So my perception was a little off

Once I decided to be a stay at home mom I thought that this would be my days:

• Get up and do a long devotion and study time.
• Get fully dressed, including hair and make up
• Gently wake my precious children with smiles and happiness
• Make a nutritious home-cooked breakfast
• Write a witty blog post that will encourage and lead others
• fill the day with fun, easy-going family activities, learning opportunities and restfulness
• Welcome home my White Knight with his favorite dinners and a sparkling clean home
• End the day with a quiet devotion and the sense that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and the satisfaction of being a stay at home mom.

During the school year I would also patiently help my son with his homework, bake cookies for my daughter's class and be the perfect sports and room mom.

You know, The Proverbs 31 woman for the year 2012.

Bahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

I have discovered that to be THAT woman I need to be a different woman! One that God has not either a: made me to be or b: started working in me to be. I have spent the last year being more disappointed in myself and my abilities than anything else.

Why in the world did I think I could be the P31 mom to perfection?

This summer I was more the crazy, unfocused, unorganized, scattered and stressed mom. But as the summer went along, and I got more focused about talking to and with God, and getting intentional about studying to better myself through God's Word I learned some things.  See if any of these sound familiar, or maybe something will let you take a deep breath and let some things go.

You can't be what God hasn't made you to be, but you can try to be a better you every day.

More often than not, I am going to screw up at some point each day. I will forget something, lose my temper, forget my priorities etc. God is really awesome about getting me back on track and helping me make amends where I need to, so there is no need to carry around the less-than-perfect mommy guilt. His mercies are new every morning.  Let. It. Go.

A clean house isn't an indication of my abilities as a mother. My children are. I learned that if my kids have clean clothes to wear and clean dishes to eat off of, then the rest can wait.

When my daughter tells me I am the best mom in the world, instead of feeling sorry for her that she has no better frame of reference, I can now honestly be thankful that I filled her love tank and I can also know that maybe, just maybe, today I earned an "atta girl" from my Heavenly Father as well.

Four short devotions, done with complete attention for 5-10 minutes throughout the day will help me stay focused on what is truly important as well as, if not better than, one long session in the morning. If I only get three pages of a study done, but I really think about those three pages for the rest of the day, I am growing and learning. It's not how much, but how deep.

Praying sounds more like day-long off and on conversations, muttering and exclamations these days, but God really really likes to hear from me whenever, wherever.

I will have so much time to blog when my kids are grown and gone. I miss being here more regularly and I hope to get back to my two a week postings soon, but watching my son play football, planting flowers with my daughter, and doing home repair and improvement projects with my White Knight, well those need to be done while I still have the opportunity to do them. Time flies away unnoticed all too often. I am trying to be here (in the moment with my family) which means sometimes I can't be here (blogging).

So what I thought being a stay at home mom would be like isn't anywhere close to what actually is. For me anyway. But I am getting more and more OK with that every day.

Teaching little birds to fly

When did I become the authority on everything?

As I was on a walk today, I was praying for my son, and I heard a little voice telling me to be quiet sometimes. 

The more I thought about it, the more I realized, I tend, completely on accident, to present myself as the ultimate authority on many things to my son. 

I give him laundry lists of dos, don'ts, shoulds, shouldn'ts, try this, don't try that, be aware of this and don't even think about considering this!

As he enters his teen years, I have been asking myself more, "What decisions, good and bad, are right around the corner for him"? Have I been preparing him to discern for himself how to make the wise choice, or have I crippled him into believing that he needs someone to point out the answer?

Constantly I hear "I know" when I tell him something. I have been annoyed by it, thinking, "No, you don't know, that is why I am telling you." But now I wonder, does he know and I am just not allowing him to express things in his own way? Have I been frustrating him by assuming since he doesn't respond the same way I do that he is unprepared for his stage in life? Am I steamrolling his self-confidence by trying to mother too much?

I had an image of a  Momma bird, wing tucked tight to her body, holding her baby chick tight against herself under the protection of her feathers.The only problem is, if we are that Momma bird, we generally don't pay attention to what happens next. We are happy and content with providing complete shelter for our baby. We don't want to take the next step. But here is what has to happen:

For that Momma bird, as her baby bird grows, she loosens her hold. She watches but doesn't control as he stretches his wings, safe inside the nest. She observes and trains but doesn't stop him as he flaps around, testing his strength. She provides support and nourishes him until that one day. The day that definitely is his day. The day he needs to fly. 

Does she grab him close? Does she tuck him under that wing? 

No. 

She watches, and if he takes too long, she nudges, shoos and pushes until he takes off and flies on his own. 

I am in the flapping around, testing his strength phase. If I don't allow him to do things on his own, he won't ever be strong enough when it is his time to fly. 

We have all seen baby birds on the ground. The are flapping around, trying to fly, and there isn't a Momma bird around. 

Or is there?

When we see that baby bird, we wonder why the Momma isn't there helping them, getting them going, keeping the world away until they are ready to try again. (Usually they are close by. We don't see them, but they are almost always there.)

I think that Momma bird knows something we need to remember. For our children to be strong enough to fly solo, they need to be able fall. And when they fall, they have to figure out how to find the strength to get back up and try again. On their own. To try harder, or try something else. Sometimes we need to let them see some of the dangers in our world, because if they try to jump out of the nest and fly without all the training, the practice and the falls, without being aware that threats exist, then they will be totally unprepared to make it against the bigger threats to come.

As a parent, I have to nudge my son toward the real world. If I continue to solve every problem, shield him from every struggle, pain, and consequence, he will be completely unprepared to fly. 

I am not saying we need to throw them over the side with a good luck and good bye, but taking a long, hard look at the concept of over-protecting might be in order. 

I know, I KNOW! We don't want our babies to hurt, to struggle, to have to deal with consequences. It hurts our Momma hearts. But to grow strong, healthy, able adults, we need to allow some of the real world in, a little at a time, under our supervision, while we can still help, guide and train.

As tomorrow is Mother's Day, I am going to do my best to start letting my little bird (who is NOT so little) show me what he can do. I am going to let him stretch his wings a little more often, and I am going to let him see over the edge of that nest. Only five short years until he will be considered an "adult" by the world standards, and definitely by his. That's not much time to train him into all he will need to know to fly. 

Let the nudging begin!

The Bible is my go-to book, but not really

"Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do." Joshua 1:8

my son is entering the teenage years. Sometimes the things he does leave me flummoxed (verb: to bewilder, confound, confuse). It has really been becoming clear to me that I have no idea how to deal with a teenage boy. What to do?

As a stay at home mom I really want to make what I do in the home meaningful, consistent and welcoming. With my ADD sanguine personality, I can't even tell you how almost impossible this is for me. How do I keep from getting overwhelmed?

I love food. The taste, the processes of cooking and baking, the smells, the textures. All of it. And it shows in my dress size and fitness level. Why can't I control my eating and lose weight?

Do any of these scenarios sound familiar? Please someone say yes! 

To help me with these issues, I got books. I purchased "Got Teens?" by Jill Savage and Pam Farrell, "The Complete Guide to Getting and Staying Organized" by Karen Ehman, "The House That Cleans Itself" by Mindy Starns Clark, "Reshaping It All" by Candace Cameron Bure, and "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst.

And I read blogs. Lots and lots of blogs!

Now, let me first tell you that I loved each and every one of these books. If I didn't, I wouldn't have listed them, much less linked them. They are packed full of encouragement, plans, lists, to-dos, to-dont's, booty-kicking and Scriptures. They are good books.

But they are not the Good Book.

As a Jesus-lovin' girl, I know and I mean know that the Bible is truth. It is strength, it is direction, it is encouragement. 

And sadly, it is usually the last self-help book I grab when I have something I need to work through. 

All the instruction I will ever need is right there. Every topic, every struggle covered and conquered right there in the pages of a love letter just for me. 

And you. 

I think I tend to turn to books written by people because i want to re-affirm to myself that i am not the only one who is or has gone through this. And if they did it, then I want their tips and tricks to get me through too. And this is good. 

But it shouldn't be our first step. This should be around step four in our journey.

If you are like me, then the first two are ones that generally get skipped.

Step One: Pray about it. Go to God first before anyone else. Speak it all out to him. The good, the bad, the things you feel are impossible. Tell Him everything, then sit still and listen. sometimes you will have to be still for a long time. Longer than you want. Keep waiting.

Step Two: Open your Bible. Make it your go-to book for everything. The best advice will always be right from the Word of God. 

Struggling with eating? Try doing a word study of food; Self-control. Providing. Sufficiency. Satisfied. 

Lost trying to be a good, godly parent? Try looking up the words children, lead, discipline, teach, guide, LOVE. 

Sometimes the Scripture will apply to your situation, sometimes it won't. But you will be reading from the true source of knowledge. You will be placing a lot of Scripture in your mind and in your heart without a middle-man sharing their impressions and learnings. It will be you and God, walking together. 

Step Three: Apply what you learned. This is the hard part. Not only in being willing to do what you have learned, but in figuring out how to practically apply it. Sometimes after I have learned something from Scripture, I feel like I completely understand and am ready to follow through on the why, but the how seems cloudy. This is the time to go for help. If you can't see ways to make the changes you learned, then ask a friend, find a group, buy some books. 

Step Four: Get Help. Godly counsel from friends, family and outside sources is  the best way to change your path. Once you know what you need to do, getting help doing it is not only wise, it can make it fun! 

Parenting a teen has days, weeks, even seasons when it seems like fun has died, but it hasn't! Get together with a friend who is where you are now, and a friend who has  already blazed a path and can stand up the road cheering you on. 

Get accountability for being a homemaker by getting together with another homemaker. Have your own accountability group. Do a Bible study together that is on a home-centered topic or read a book and have a micro book club to encourage each other. 

Develop a group to help you lose weight. My friend has a group that named themselves the Dirty Skirt Girls. They are Jesus-loving health freaks. They work out together, do walks and runs together, train together, cook together, and carry each other through major illnesses and struggles, all the time keeping each other on a healthy path. If I didn't live six hours away I would totally be in her group! 

There are thousands of good books written by Christians that are bible-based and will truly help and guide you through just about any and every struggle that you will face in your life. 

But don't just settle for good. 

Go to God first. Get His best for you before anything else. Step by step, in order, one at a time. And you will prosper and be successful in all you do.

Why I decided to give up

"Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord."                              1 Corinthians 15:58 NKJV

"I am clearly alone in a sea of insanity. No one is coming to help me, I will never get my brain to slow down. The thoughts are too numerous and too fast. And so unorganized. Like me. And what I can get done doesn't seem to ever be enough. Or just plain good enough. I am so inadequate for and at this."

"What in the world was God thinking?"

These are all thoughts that were running through my brain after six days of spring break. I was counting down the hours until school started up again and in the back of my mind, beginning a dread and terror of what will happen in a few short weeks when they are out for summer break. 10 weeks. Are you kidding me!? I couldn't even handle six days! Oh, Lord. Help me.

Does any of this sound familiar?

Lately I have been struggling with my abilities as a stay at home mom. I struggle with discipline. I struggle with feeling like a good spiritual leader and role model. I struggle with my ability to help my children academically. I struggle with my house keeping and organizational skills. I struggle with .... well you get where I am going with this.

I am very sure that I am being obedient to God by leaving my job and committing to staying home. I couldn't have had more confirmation unless the Lord Himself came down, took my hand, and wrote my resignation for me then lead me home with a fanfare of angelic choirs.

 I am quite sure I am where I am supposed to be.

But.

I have been thinking it would be better if I did go back to work. I have a list as long as my arm (folded over, alphabetized and dot-pointed) of all the ways I am not good at this. I think of how I am not capable. I read all these wonderful blogs and websites of women that seem to have no struggle or question about what they are doing, or more importantly, their ability to do it. And I feel less than. And so alone. I see put-together moms out and about with their well dressed and clean and nicely mannered children. And I want to run home and hide. If I could have figured out how to give up, I am sure I would have.

But God.

One day a stay at home mom friend made a comment about how her family has been struggling with some of the same things we (I) are. What? Really??!

Then I read an amazing blog from Proverbs 31 writer Tracie Miles. (Linked below)

Then there was a blog from Orange Parents that made me cry. (Linked below)

Then my email updates sent me an article from Mom Life that opened my eyes. (Linked below) #s 4, 10, 14, 15, & 28 really spoke to me.

Then my daily devotion was about seeing clearly. (Linked below)

Then the focus verse for today popped up in my mind. You might think it out of no-where but really, who are we kidding?

Sometimes God tests us. He gets quiet and waits to see what choices we make. What direction we will go. Who we will turn to to get us through. If we have enough trust in him, and faith, to make it through.

Other times God can see we want a way out. We are drowning and can't seem to figure out which way to reach. We have lost our perspective and our faith is running thin. Can I just say that He will never never NEVER leave us in that place?

As you can see above, God didn't leave me in a place of self-doubt, fear, anxiety and feeling overwhelmed about my ability to be a good mother. Quickly, clearly, and leaving no room for doubt that He was talking to me, aware of me and helping me, God gave me back my direction and reminded me of some truths I have lost sight of.

• No matter how many times I commit my life to him, I am going to lose perspective.
• No matter how many ways I try to be perfect, I will never reach perfection.
• No matter how many times I stop looking to Him first, he is always ready to get me back on track.
• God chose me to be the mother of these kids. He loves them more than I do. He won't leave me alone to raise them.
• God would never say a single one of those hurtful things that were running through my thoughts. Never.
• I am a chosen child of God, holy and dearly loved.

 I tend toward perfectionism in many ways. By this I mean that I expect things of myself that are unrealistic and when I can't obtain them, I consider myself a failure. I get really hard on myself and God can't get a word in edge-wise with all my negative self-talk. Sometimes He has to be really obvious to get me back on track.

Been there? Are there now?

If any of this strikes a familiar note with you, give up! 

• Give up trying to be perfect.
• Give up trying to do it all alone.
• Give up thinking that everyone else is doing so much better than you (as I am now reminding myself: NO ONE is perfect so quit trying to project it onto people! They mess up just like me!).
• Give up listening to, and believing, the lie that we as mothers will single-handedly screw up our kids.
• Give up believing that we are supposed to be a perfect mom if we stay home full time and also believing that being a Christian should in some way make us perfect in this calling.
• And last but definitely not least...give up control!

 A great song is Kari Jobe's "My Beloved". If you have time, google it and listen or watch it. Let God sing over you. You will see you are not alone. You can do this. And He loves you.

Links:  

Hope on a napkin

 

Seeing Clearly

Getting through one of "those days"

28 ways to connect with God ( let me know which ones you really connected with!)

Finding balance

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23

Finding balance isn't easy for me. I started the year with a simplified schedule. I cut out several things that I like doing so that I would be able to do other things with more focus and so that I would have more margin. 

It is only the middle of March and I am once again heading toward over-commitment. 

Why is this such a problem for me? I think I have figured it out. Lack of self-control. 

We generally think of self-control when it comes to eating, money, shopping or our temper, but saying no takes a lot more self control that you might think.

I don't get bogged down in things that I hate to do. OK, putting away laundry and hand-washing floors are not things that I love, but I don't hate them. I get overwhelmed by things that are good. That are fun. That I like to do! Serving in one too many ministries at church. Offering help to one more friend. Saying yes to that one temporary job outside the home. Scheduling too many extracurricular activities for our family. One too many lunches with my friends.

I have been known to spend the majority of my time on something trying to "get it in order", but I then am forced to spend extra time somewhere else to make up for it. For example: I decided I needed to put my need to exercise on the front burner because I wanted to get healthy (and lets face it, slimmer and sexier!). I spent a couple weeks putting in tons of extra time trying to walk my way thin and neglected my housework. I then realized that I had a disgusting house and had to spend extra time getting it back in order. My exercise went out the window. Another example: I teach our church's kindergarten thru 5th grade class during one of our main services and I love it. But I also am part of the worship team which feeds my spirit. Last year during the week before Easter I was at the church every afternoon/evening working on something. No exercise or housework or family time that week. by Sunday, you know, EASTER Sunday (My absolute favorite day of the year by the way!) I was so sick I couldn't go to church. I missed my favorite church day, my favorite day of the year because I was so overworked and run down that I became sick. 

Good things don't necessarily make them the right things to be doing. I am once again figuring out how to thin down our family's to-do's so that we can spend more time together. I don't want our summer to be a series of timetables, chore charts and busy busy busy. Not only does this create a home environment that is hurried and chaotic, but it also creates hurried and chaotic emotions and thoughts. 

By using the above verse from Galatians, I have a great scale to weigh our schedule on. Here are a few ways to figure out if what you are comptemplating adding to your schedule should really be there:

Love: Ask yourself if this is something that will allow you and or your family to show love to each other or those outside your family. If it is just something fun to do and will take up valuable time, it might be something you need to pass on... for now.

Joy: Will I or my family be able to experience and share true joy through this activity or commitment?

Peace: Will I be able to keep the peace of our home if I add this? Our home is to be a place of rest and refuge for every person that lives there. If I am adding chaos or clutter that I can't keep up with, it isn't worth it.

Patience: I know I have this in limited supply so I need to ask myself - is my schedule set in such a way as to help me tend my patience, or will it send me off on an emotional explosion by the end of the day, week or month?

Kindness: Will this activity allow either me or my family to show kindness to others? 

Goodness: Will I be honoring God intentionally with this activity?

Faithfulness: Will adding something else to my schedule keep me from being faithful to God in honoring my quiet time, Bible study and prayer?

Gentleness: Will I and/or my family be able to do this activity with gentleness or will we fill rushed and have the possibility of hurting ourselves or others through thoughts, words or deeds?

Self-control: After looking at the situation thoroughly, make a decision based on wisdom and discernment. Do I say yes, no or later? Then do it and stick to my decision.

It's a long, hard list to consider. We tend to seek and desire the best, the newest, the brightest, the most. Because of this mentality, we have taken good things and placed them in a position of power in our lives. 

~ We work longer to acquire things and are tired and worn out all the time because of it.

~ Once we get those things we give them too much of our time and attention.

~ We serve more to prove our heart, even though it just doesn't work that way with God.

~ We have more activities to keep us entertained and yet we become disconnected and lose focus on the important things in the process. 

We are tired, stressed and stretched to our limit. 

I have spent the last week looking at and considering my and my family's pace and focus. Can I encourage you to do the same? 

God did not intend our lives to be too fast, too full and too stressed. He has given us the tools and ability to make an informed, intentional decision regarding everything in our lives. I have determined to take back my schedule and my family's schedule. 

Will you join me?

Struggling with the Sovereign

I was going to follow up my previous post with talking about perfect parent syndrome. It is one of the chapters in the book Parenting Beyond Your Capacity by Reggie Joiner and Carey Nieuwhof. Actually they talk about Stock Family syndrome and how it starts with wanting to appear perfect, especially as the perfect parent. I was going to talk about how I struggle with wanting to be the perfect parent. 

But my life the last week has been more about my kids. One in particular. My son. My funny, athletic, tender-hearted, hugging, turning into a teenager son. About how I want him to be more normal and how my faith shakes. 

At least for a little bit.

We had his  latest IEP meeting (Individualized Education Plan) and when we got the results from his reading assessments for the year, it hurt. Practically no improvement this year. At the start of the school year, I was so hopeful and excited to see what God was going to do this year. I was believing Him for big things. For big improvements. And apparently, for something that isn't in His timing and plan. At least, not now.

Every time I have to go to an IEP meeting, or meet with a teacher regarding his reading, I come out heart-sick, angry and let down. 

The truth is, I feel all those things toward God. 

As a parent, to watch your kid struggle with something just breaks your heart, but to put on top of it something that feels like misplaced faith in a God who you believe in and love so much, sometimes it just feels too much to bear. 

I think, "Wouldn't it be better to give up believing God is in this than to believe that He is choosing to allow this for my son?"

I struggle mightily with the fact that my son has something that I can't help him past. That my role in all this is to support and encourage and pray, but not to fix.

In the way that He always does, God listened. He acknowledged everything I was feeling. How do I know? I just do. I feel it inside. I feel like I have been heard. I feel like God wants me to let it out, to share everything with him, even the ugly stuff that I am scared to say, but can't hold in. Even in the midst of being angry and hurt, I still feel like he wants me to bring it all, everything I have, blasting with both barrels or crying out a broken heart. 

And I do. 

Blast away with both barrels and cry. Accuse him of disinterest. Of being unfair. 

After I had had a day to work around my anger and remind myself that God loves my son, and is working out something in his character that will glorify the Lord, that will show my son the sovereignty of His plan and His love for my boy, I picked up my current Bible study for our ladies group.

Now, I am not going to tell you I was feeling particularly excited to get into my study. We are studying David and I felt about as far from the man after God's own heart as I could get. I still wasn't particularly interested in spending time with God yet, but I have made a commitment to do the study and so I opened the pages and grudgingly began to fill in the blanks and read the Scriptures noted inside.

And wouldn't you know it, there God was. I had no idea what the study had in store for us this week, where the author would take us, or what Scripture would be applied. But guess what? God did.

We are doing Beth Moore's study "David: Seeking a Heart Like His". This is what I read:

"When we wait on God, He gives supernatural strength and accomplishes the inconceivable.  did you notice how God gave David the vision for the temple but his offspring was to build it? God can entrust a vision or an idea to us that may be ours to pray about and prepare for, but not participate in directly....." 

A couple of paragraphs later I read this: 

"He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all- how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" Romans 8:32

In His sovereignty, He knew exactly what I would be struggling with, and He knew exactly what I would be reading. I tend to think that he was sitting there, waiting for me to catch up with Him. After I read what I read, I had the distinct feeling that God was saying, 

"You, my daughter, forget who I AM. I couldn't wait for you to get here. I knew that we needed to meet right here and I wanted you to see me show up right on time... like you just said I never do. I love you, and am ALWAYS involved in everything that hurts you, that makes you cry, that tries to pull your heart from ME. You are never alone in your hurt. And what you seem to forget so easily is that I love your son more than you will ever be able to understand; I am with him through all of this, every second of it. Every step of struggle, my hand is on his shoulder."

In that little section of study, God showed me that I was not waiting on him, that I was wanting to see things done my way, in my timeline. 

He was reminding me that He will only move in His way and His time because they are good and perfect, and my plans are... well.... not.

He sees so many things that I never will, has planned things I know nothing about. And I tend to forget that He loves my boy so much more than I do and that I will never comprehend the depth of it.

He reminded me that I need to keep praying for and preparing for what God is going to do in my son's life, but what God is doing with and in Him is between the two of them alone. 

And he reminded me that He had given up His own Son just so He could do these things for my son.

So, no post about perfect parenting today, just an honest glimpse into how God shows up to comfort a heart that is doubtful, angry and hurting.

 He is so good. All the time.

 Even when I tell Him he isn't, he patiently waits for me to figure it out.

And then we start again on this Walk of Faith between a Sovereign God and a fickle, doubting faith-girl.

Parenting BEYOND your capacity

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."2 Corinthians 12:9

After school is my favorite time of day. I love it when the door flies open and the kids come in chatting about their day, showing me things and settling in after a hard day. 

Yesterday I had laid out several snack options on the counter for them to choose from. They got their snack, started homework and after-school activities, and I didn't get the other snack options put away as quickly as I normally would. I went into the kitchen later and discovered they were all gone. Both kids swore up, down and side-ways that they hadn't touched them. Since the dog can't open the packages by herself and the cat refuses anything that doesn't have the words "seafood feast" on it, I was pretty sure it had to be one of them. They both stubbornly refused to admit to taking the extra snacks. Finally, frustrated and truthfully, really disappointed that the guilty party would allow their sibling to get in trouble too, I gave the same punishment to both. Fair? I guess. It is a hard call to make when you know one is innocent, but the guilty party just won't back down.

This situation really got me to thinking how wearing parenting can be. All day long there are little choices, little decisions that we have to make. Teachable moments are all around and opportunities come along where you have to decide, show grace or teach that decisions have consequences. It is enough to have any parent running for the hills. You want to be the safe parent who they can turn to with any mistake or bad judgement call, but you also have to be the one that teaches discipline, humility, putting others first and self-control. When those things aren't shown, you become teacher, guide and disciplinarian. How do you decide which situation gets what response? Where is the hand-book??!


While it might not be a handbook, I have found a book that really helps when it comes to those times you want to just throw your hands up and beg God to "take them back, PLEASE!"

This book is called "Parenting Beyond Your Capacity" by Reggie Joiner and Carey Nieuwhof. 

Now, hear me out! It isn't another one of those books that makes you feel like a failure because you have missed a thousand opportunities, nor is it chocked full of statements that are designed to make you feel overwhelmed with all the things you need to start doing RIGHT NOW to win the heart of your child and grow a productive and valuable member of society. 

This book actually tells you that you CAN NOT do it alone! You are not expected to be perfect, you weren't MADE to be a one-person, child-rearing genius, and that there IS a plan to help you get on track, to help you make some of those hard-call decisions.

Following are a few quotes from the book that really spoke to me. 

"Being a good parent is hard, and in the short term there is not a whole lot of glory attached to it. You can't coast through it. It is intentional.  Anybody can have a child; being a good parent takes work and prayer."

Thank you for telling me I am not the only one that feels parenting is hard! So many people make it look so easy! Sometimes I wonder what it is that everyone else gets that I seem to be totally missing!

"I can promise that even for the most intentional parents, there will be nights when all you can do is fold your hands and cry, "God, help me!" I imagine God hears that and thinks, "I thought you'd never ask!"  You will make plenty of mistakes, and that's okay. Mistakes are often opportunities to show your children not only your fragile humanity but also the way you respond to failure."

What a great reminder that I am NOT alone in this. Not only that, but there is actually someone that knows my children better than I do, that has a plan for them, and that WANTS to be involved. It also reminded me that it is OK to not be the perfect parent, but that I need to admit it and rectify it, where my children can see, and often to them directly. I forget that simply my example to them is the teacher they learn from most, not the words I say.

"Too many of us buy into the myth that we need to become the right kind of parent before God can use us. In reality, God is longing to tell His story through our imperfections and brokenness....Rather than painting a picture of a perfect family, God wants to use family as a canvas for His redemptive story.  He wants to use the family to show us what it means to have an authentic, everyday faith with a God who redeems and restores broken people."

Sometimes as parents we forget that it really isn't about us. We forget that we have a role to play, that the story isn't starring us. It is all about God. Wow! Doesn't that take the pressure off?! 

This thing of parenting isn't about "getting it right", it is about letting God be God in our lives, in our children's lives, and in the very middle of this crazy, messy, imperfect family. Sounds kinda like the verse from above, doesn't it? 

More to come from this great book later, but I just had to let you know, if you are struggling with some of these same things, that not only are you not alone, you were designed to have amazing help through this thing we call parenting! 

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."Isaiah 41:10

From reacting to responding

My quest to follow after Jesus more closely is starting off on a very difficult foot. 

What a surprise, huh? 

As I have written in the past, my son is amazing. He is sweet. He is a hugger. He is so fun to watch play basketball and football. He is an unbeatable big brother. 

And he knows how to push my buttons like no other. And he loves to do it. I just don't get it. 

OK, well I sorta do. It is fun to push buttons when you get such fun reactions. 

I have been known to do any and/or all of the following at some point over the past 12 years:

Yell

Scream

Slam doors

Make empty threats

Cry

Give up

Back down

My son has even told me in the past that he intentionally will keep pushing at me until I over-react. Yes, my sweet and loving son likes, no loves, to push my buttons. 

And I let him.

It would be so much better if I could say that he makes me over-react. But that simply wouldn't be true. I can absolutely choose to stay calm, to not react, to not give in. 

But generally I don't. Instead of responding, I react.

"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."

Colossians 3:12

There is no excuse for not responding with patience and gentleness. With goodness and self-control. I already have these things. These are things that God knew I would need and he supplied them to me when I accepted Jesus as my savior. But God didn't make these things my default. I have to choose them. I have to actively reach for them, use them, and grow them. 

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."

Galatians 5:22-23

The fruit is there, but I am not choosing it.

I am really starting to see that I am damaging my son's view of God's ability to change a person. Maybe he doesn't get it yet, maybe he will see that his mom is just a really flawed human being that makes bad choices. But maybe he sees that God doesn't really change people and can't help with struggles. 

Maybe my son prayed that he would receive an encouragement or special word from God, and God had chosen me to serve as the answer to that prayer. 

But without using the power of the Holy Spirit inside me, of stopping and thinking and responding instead of reacting, my son didn't receive that encouragement or special word. At least not from me.

How sad that makes my heart. After I over-react, there is always guilt, always doubt in my abilities, always regret. 

It is time to make a change.

If you saw my New Year's post, you know I am not into making specific resolutions. But this year I am committing to follow Jesus more closely than ever before. This has to start in my home. It has to start with me and the testimony that I want to live out in front of my son and daughter.

"Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us."

Titus 2:6-8

The amazing thing about the Bible is that there really is something for everything. It isn't hype. It isn't hard to find. God isn't the impossible task-master. By asking for his help, he is quick and faithful to help. 

When I asked God to help me in changing how I react to my son, I found this in under a minute:

"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. James 1:19-21

A swift kick in the backside, as well as an encouragement and instruction. 

So, over the year, as I commit to following Jesus, the fruit will be a better testimony lived out in front of my son. And this is just the beginning. 

Will it be easy? No. Will I get it right every time? No. But I will be striving and stepping in the right direction. And that is what this year, and following Jesus, are all about.

Making Your Home a Haven - 31 Day Challenge

You are going to love this!

As you may (or may not!) know, Autumn is my absolutely favorite season. I just love everything about it, even those dreary, chilly, rainy days. I love watching the farmers in the fields harvesting their crops. I love watching the world turn colors as it prepares to sleep away the winter cold. I love the warmth of a bonfire as we toast marshmallows and cook hot dogs while sipping hot chocolate and laughing. I love the sound of leaves crunching under our feet as we take the dog for walks. I love getting my trunk ready for Trunk or Treat at our church every Halloween. I love the baking and decorating and cooking that seems to only come around during the autumn months.

You get the idea. I LOVE AUTUMN!

And now, I have one more thing to love.

check out this amazing challenge over at Women Living Well Ministries.  This is a do-able challenge for anyone and I can't wait for it to get started!

To share with you...

Sometimes there are things that are just too good not to share. I am posting some things that have inspired, encouraged or otherwise made my day in some way.

10 Points of Joyful Parenting sits on my fridge door. I look at it as often as I need to (to re-adjust my attitude) or want to find a way to focus back in on what this parenting thing is all about. While you are there, take the time to savor the writing of Ann Voskamp. You will be blessed indeed.

A friend and I recently had a conversation about hearing from God. What's it like? How do I know? Is it a voice? A feeling? This I ran across this wonderful gift on Lysa TerKeurst's website.

I was reading Karen Ehman's blog (so wonderfully titled Live Your Priorities, Love Your Life) today and she shared what has become my number one favorite song. Chris Tomlin's All My Fountains. I have listened to it about 20 times today. LOVE. IT.

My ladies ministry at church has started Priscilla Shirer's Jonah: Navigating a Life Interrupted Bible study. I'm already hooked. Get it? Hooked.

LeAnn Rice over at She Cooks has a recipe that makes all the other recipes jealous. Try this Marble Cheesecake with Dark Chocolate Ganache.

I will be creating these cute little pumpkin people for my front porch this weekend.

And finally...

Football season is winding down, and that makes my heart sad, but my very handsome guard made my Momma Heart very very proud!

And how could we leave out one very cute Jr. Cheerleader sister?

My babies.

Called to do the work

You might notice that the tone of my posts will be different now and again. I generally share something that God has shown me, or that I am in the process of being "refined" through. 

But another aspect of my life has taken center-stage and you will be hearing more on it from time to time.

Being a full time stay at home mom.

This is a huge step for me. We have gone into this season knowing that it will have to develop and flesh out in God's way and in his time. Pretty much the only thing I know for sure right now is that I am where I am supposed to be.

I know this because I am nervous. I am only nervous when I am not in control. I guess this being nervous is a good thing. It means I am on a path that God has for me. 

It is exciting too. Knowing I am doing what God wants from me. I know there will be some amazing blessings on this path. I know I will get to see God move and do things that I can't even imagine right now.

God has been really working on me to release control, to push myself to become more disciplined, and to seek out what he has for me in this season. 

I have been memorizing a verse that I want to pray for my son regularly as he moves from his pre-teen to his teen years. It really is what my decision to stay home is all about. David said it for Solomon as he built the temple. I pray it for my son as he grows. But God has shown me that it also applies to my work as a mother. 

“Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished."
1 Chronicles 28:20

Our bodies house our soul. They house our spirit. They are now the temple that we are to prepare for God to dwell in.

"Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst?"1 Corinthians 3:16

 "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own."
1 Corinthians 6:19

God has given me specific duties to build these two little "houses" to prepare for his Holy Spirit. My job as a mother is to pour in as much truth, love, encouragement and hope in Jesus that I can; so that as God works on them, an amazing temple- their testimony that will be lived out with that body - will be built. Through God's work, their lives will bring Him glory and the Light of Jesus to the world. 

This is no small order. But wow. 

He is no small God.

Enough when it wasn't obvious

Many, many hours of my thought life and prayer life are taken up with the fear that I am not doing all I should to show my children how to love Christ. I always replay the day and see about a hundred ways I could have been more compassionate, showed patience, been generous, been a better spiritual leader. And on and on and on….

I tend to focus on what I have or haven’t done, and therefore completely miss what God is doing right in front of me.

As the Mom of a pre-teen boy, I understand that there are layers to him that I will never see; but for some reason I never thought one of those layers would be his relationship with God. If it hasn’t been obvious, I have assumed it wasn’t present at all.

Until dinner.

Recently I had talked to our son about praying more varied prayers, instead of the same words over and over. We talked about  sharing a concern or praise for God that had happened that day, that way he wouldn’t be stuck in a prayer routine that was more habit than anything else. Following this conversation I have noticed him making an effort to have something new every night at dinner.  This has been great as he would pray for things I didn’t know were especially concerning for him, which helps me know how to better pray for him.

A few days ago, he prayed for help in a specific area. One he has struggled with for years but this was the first time I had heard him petitioning God for strength and guidance in that area.

That’s when it hit me.

My son’s prayer life is growing right in front of me. A little more each day he shares new things with God.

In that moment I realized God wanted me to see that. He was giving me a glimpse of what He was doing in my son’s life, and he was using me to encourage and guide it. It wasn’t something big, or extravagant, but something vital. Something in the quiet of my son’s heart.  Something he was using me to help my son understand. Through God I had been enough even when it wasn't obvious. Thank God!!

I haven’t been focusing so many hours on my fear anymore. Those few little words prayed at dinner helped me to remember that God is much more concerned with my son’s spiritual growth, and he is working all the time to make sure my son is getting what he needs to grow into a wonderful man of faith.

If you struggle with feeling like you just haven’t been enough when it comes to modeling and teaching a spiritual life, I would like to encourage you to be intentional about observing your children. By looking for them, you might find some small, quiet qualities that have escaped your notice.  And if you happen to see something that you feel you need to address, well, that is God working through you too. Don't miss the opportunity God shows you.

Be confident in God’s working;   As the following verses tell us, God gives strength and power to all of His children, including yours and mine today. Even when we miss it.

“Praise be to you, LORD,
   the God of our father Israel,
   from everlasting to everlasting.
 Yours, LORD, is the greatness and the power
   and the glory and the majesty and the splendor,
   for everything in heaven and earth is yours.
Yours, LORD, is the kingdom;
   you are exalted as head over all.
 Wealth and honor come from you;
   you are the ruler of all things.
In your hands are strength and power
   to exalt and give strength to all.
Now, our God, we give you thanks,
   and praise your glorious name.”

1 Chronicles 29:10-13

You don't have to learn it the hard way

One of my main motivators that moved me into the realm of full-time Mom is my son's education and soon, my daughter's.

Learning disabilities come in all shapes, sizes, and degrees. My son's issues are not major, but because he has more than one, it makes reading and sequencing very difficult, and because his issues ARE different, it means we have to come up with more than one way to work out any one thing. Intellectually he is just like everyone else his age, but formal learning and reading are harder for him than anyone really realizes. It can be overwhelming and frustrating. And that's just for us as his parents. For him it is a constant struggle. It's a de-motivator. It's sometimes embarrassing. It's not something that we can see an end to, so sometimes the "what's the point?" attitude rears it's ugly head.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart 

and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways

submit to him and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5,6

I have recently admitted that I am pretty angry with God that he has not seen fit move Kevin past this issue, that he is allowing the struggle to continue. God is OK with that. He has shown me that part of his plan for Kevin is for me to be more a presence in Kevin's education. This is outside my comfort zone in a huge way. Learning, especially reading, has always come very easily for me, so I sometimes can't understand how Kevin can't get it. But he really can't. And God needs me to learn to be on his side and learning accommodations for him so that he can feel safe not getting it, and not be embarrassed in the process of learning it.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

God is also working out in me that this is Kevin's struggle to grow through, I am on the sidelines. My struggle is to let him go through this, grow through it and let him and God work it out. As a Mom, I want to fix the problem. God wants me to step out of the way and let them work this thing out. I am only playing a supporting role in this one. God knows my babies. More than I ever will. He loves my children. More than I will ever comprehend. To want the best for my children is to want them to turn to God and know Him as intimately as possible. To give the best to my children is to sometimes step back and let them stumble through on their own. After all, they are never, never alone, are they?

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Ephesians 3:16-21

Finally, God is showing me that it is my job to equip myself to support and help Kevin as needed, but the most important thing I can do is seek God's will. How often do I focus in and pray for specific things to get us through this project or that paper, when I need to broaden my prayer? God wants us to pray the big prayers. Ask for things that seem impossible to us. Ask God to move in ways that aren't only impossible for us to believe, but to move even beyond that and do something so huge, so amazing, that we are left standing with our mouths hanging open, hands raised and tears streaming over the fact that God is THAT BIG.

Below are a few resources that are very encouraging. Education and knowing how to learn are so important, but we need to use these things as a secondary line of attack. Turning to God first will ultimately be what helps our children succeed. And if you have kids that need extra help, don't go it alone! Find support!

Equipping Kids for Life-Long Learning (The article contains great practical reminders. I haven't read the book yet, but it is on my to-buy list!)

The Way They Learn ( I had several of Kevin's teachers read this book. They loved it and it truly opened my eyes to how amazing my kid is. And completely opposite of me!)

Every Child Can Succeed (sometimes just reading the title was enough to make me get back in the fight. Yes, he CAN succeed.)

Apples 4 the Teacher (this sight is a gold-mine of things to help those that are struggling to read!!)

Your church.

And if you have teachers or resource/special ed teachers anywhere in your circle, USE THEM! I would have been lost without the vital inside knowledge I got about IEPs, questions to ask and key words to use in conversations. I also have gotten amazing support and encouragement from parents that have traveled the road ahead of me. They smoothed out some bumps, filled in some pot-holes and generally ran along side me cheering me on and reminding me that in the school system, I HAVE to fight for him. And I plan on keeping my cheerleaders until Abby is through school.