Long and Rambly Self-Reflection

Be warned: This a long and rambly post where I am working some stuff out. sometimes it's easier for me to see the way to fix a problem if I ramble it down on paper (or a screen) until it's clear and makes sense. Since I have committed to being honest and transparent on this blog, I feel I should post this. It may help someone else, or someone else may help me. (God works like that, ya know!)

I have never weighed this much unless I was pregnant, and in 10 more pounds I will pass even that.

I am absolutely miserable. I'm uncomfortable physically and it reflects in the way I see myself and how I think the world sees me. By that I mean, I project the way I see myself so that I think everyone sees me the same way. It's a vicious emotional weapon that I turn on myself constantly.

I hate being overweight. I had planned to lose at least 15 lbs by the end of the summer and so far I have gained 10. This is really hard for me to accept because I have been working on eating right and increasing my activity. I changed my diet and dropped 200 points off my LDL. If I can change my diet enough to do that in three months you would think I would have lost some weight but no. It didn't happen.

So, I have been in what I guess you would call a self destructive phase the last month. I have been eating what I want and as much of it as I want, to the point of feeling really uncomfortable. I guess my thinking has been "what's the point. If I couldn't lose it with everything I did there's no point in trying. I give up. "

I know that is bad thinking and not trusting in God and so on. I am just being honest as to where I have been. I'm not some super christian that quietly goes along obeying God and living a blessed life. I constantly screw up and try to fix things myself and make a bigger mess of it. I also don't trust God like I should and hardly ever think to go to Him first with my problems. It's usually when I feel like I don't have anywhere else to go that I think I might give it over to Him. Like I said, It's not good or right, I am just being honest as to who and where I am.

So, I have been on this, I guess you would call it a downward spiral, about my weight. I have gotten into a horrible thought cycle that I need to break out of. I have all these scriptures that I need to be focusing on, such as knowing that God provides for every NEED. Nowhere in the bible does it say that God will provide for every WANT. He doesn't have to. We, as humans, tend to take care of that pretty well all by our lonelys. I know I do. That's what the over-eating is all about. Sure, I could stop with what God has provided, but I haven't been. Does this sound familiar to you, because I say it all the time...

"Man, THAT is a portion size? Not even worth it!"

So then I eat probably triple the portion size. The portion size is what God has provided...the triple portion is what I feel I deserve. Hummmm.... wonder why I am the way I am and look the way I look?

So, by taking what I want instead of accepting what God has provided, I am harming myself. What a concept! God knows better than I what is healthy for me? HUH! I guess that whole thing about God knowing my innermost parts is true. Sure, it's my body, but I didn't create it, and I sure don't know how it works, not like God does.

I want to say that I am committed to changing. I really do. But even now I hear those little voices in my head saying that I haven't committed to any of the previous decisions to change my eating habits, so what makes me think this time will be any different? They say that Bob won't want to change his habits and that will make it too hard for me to keep it up for myself. They say that eating healthy isn't nearly as convienent and will cost a lot more than how I have been eating. They say that I am too lazy to keep a commitment to start walking like I mean to lose weight.

Back to Philippians 4:8-9 I go! (for more on my trust in this scripture check out my Words of Light post.)

I think I could even apply this scripture to the ACTIONS in my life.

Are my actions true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy—DO such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

As you can tell, I took out all the whatevers and changed "think about" to "do". Yep. That sure does fit with what God desires for me. Also interesting to note...it's an action God is calling me to. He says to "put it into practice." Not think it into practice. Not Consider it into practice. PUT IT into practice.

Philippians 4:6 seems to be the way to start.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

I think in my case "anxious" means disbelieving. I don't believe that I can do this (and by the way, I would be right in that assessment).

So, what is the first step? Prayer! What a concept. Me, actually TELLING God about my fears and doubts. Lay it all out there. Be vulnerable and transparent with God since he knows it all anyway. And then, (and this is the really hard part for me) wait to hear what God has to say on the subject. Listen to hear His guidance and encouragement and love. And then be GRATEFUL for what He is going to do!

This is not fun. I am getting my booty kicked today. I HATE when that happens.

UGH! Why is it that everything God asks me to do are the things that are really hard for me? He has given me so many things that are EASY for me to do. Why can't He ever ask me to do those things.

Ok. So, I have rambled my way to a decision and a starting point. If you made it all the way to the end of this, Wow! Thanks for hanging in there with me.

Ambulance and ER Fun

Kevin just won't listen.

We have told him over and over...

"No more ER visits until we have paid for the other ones first."

Why couldn't he wait?

Bob called me yesterday afternoon as I was on my way into town to pick up one of my high school girls and asked me if I had talked to anyone at the park. I said "No, Why?" He said "Because Kevin got hurt. They've called an ambulance. That's all I know." Then he said, "Hold on, I'll call them and call you right back."

Hold On? HOLD ON? My baby is hurt and an ambulance is involved and I am to HOLD ON?

I discovered I do have a talent for praying and texting at the same time. I texted two of my friends to start praying for Kevin. Then the phone rings again.

"Go to the hospital." Is what Bob says. Oh sure, I am SO not panicking now.

The high school is on the way to the hospital so I pull into the drive and there is Dani right there waiting (Thank You God for perfect timing!). She gets in the car and keeps me distracted with chit chat on the way to the ER. I get there before Kevin does and there is one of the daycamp workers. Thank you Jesus that she started talking with the phrase "Kevin is going to be fine." I am pretty sure when I heard that I finally started breathing again. Kevin was getting a ride in the ambulance because they couldn't get ahold of us. Otherwise we could have driven him.

He was trying to push up out of the side of the pool instead of using the ladder and both hands slid out from under him. He gashed the bridge of his nose and hit hard enough to have a pretty intense nose bleed. They immediately called for the EMTs and started trying to figure out just what was injured. From all accounts the pool staff, lifeguards and daycamp workers were very quick and very calm while helping Kevin out. I have it on good authority that Kevin was the calmest blood-covered kid they had ever seen.

Here is a picture right after he got out of the ambulance.

He is still taped to the back board and wearing a C collar. He is familiar with the collar since he had the concussion last year.

I actually really dislike this picture. He looks scared and I hated that he was. He stayed super calm and tried to be really brave but I was a mess. I hate seeing him hurt and upset.

This is right after he got the stitches. Three if your counting. I think the adrenaline was starting to wear off because he got a little upset and fussy. I would too if someone had just stuck a needle repeatedly into an open gash on the bridge of my nose. You can see his nose is swollen and discolored but it wasn't broken.

This is the morning after. His eyes are lookin' pretty rough this morning. Double black eye! He hasn't complained of any pain (Lord knows I probably would have been a blubbering baby) but it sure looks like it hurts!



I am just thankful that it wasn't any worse than it was and greatful that God put the people in Kevin's path that he did. On of the college-aged guys from our church is a life guard out there and he called his mom to have her pray for Kevin. Pretty great friends we have, huh?



So ya, I am tired of him not listening. When I say wait until we pay this one off, I really, REALLY mean it this time, buster!

Fun and scary right at the same time

Do you want to know some scary but right insights about yourself? Go to this fun quiz and answer just a few questions.

Thanks to The Preacher's Wife for posting this fun idea!

My results are below. I wonder how many of my friends agree with the "slightly off balance" comment.



Shannon, you are moderately right-hemisphere dominant and have even preferences between auditory and visual processing, traits that might make people perceive you as "slightly off balance."


You are most likely to be slightly disorganized, a "dreamer" and a person who focuses more on the end result than the immediate task at hand. You are creative and spontaneous if somewhat lacking in direction and focus. You are a learner who is generally patient and a person for whom time is an ally, not an enemy.


You are more passionate than most people with regard to life and learning and recognize your own intuitive abilities. You have sufficient goal-direction to satisfy yourself and guarantee success without being or feeling driven. You are willing to be reflective about yourself and others without getting lost in rumination.


The balance of your sensory modes allows for both learning and expressive capabilities achieved by few. You are active and "seeing" while retaining an equally strong propensity for being reflective which slows you down a little but allows for a more comprehensive perception and analysis of situations and problems. You do not spend excessive time analyzing since you mostly trust your perceptions.


In all likelihood, you have a tendency to overcommit and cannot under- stand why others get upset since you operate on a different "time table" than they do. Your organizational abilities are frequently overwhelmed by the stimulation seeking and active nature of your mind as well as by the tendency to create new categories and gloss over details, making categorization and classification almost impossible at times.


To the extent that your career path allows for creativity and abstraction as well as a bit of disorganization, you should find yourself equipped to handle any learning that is required. Your own personal adjustment to your style should come naturally although you are likely to feel frus- trated by your own limited discipline and often wonder "Why?"

And who is it that is still not done?

We have a "Service Sunday" every year at our church. I usually duck being in charge of one of the teams because, well, frankly I hate being in charge. I am really irresponsible if you get right down to it.


My husband was in charge of the team that was gutting the basement of one of the homes the church has for visitors, temporary staff and so on.


That's him in the doorway carrying out the leaky toilet. Yep, it leaked everywhere during the project. He is such a great man, a regular Mr. Fix-it. He loves tearing stuff up and knocking things down so this was right up his alley.

This is Kevin and his friend Jessica. They were with the Powerlight team (grades 3-5) that went and visited the shut-ins in our church family and took them cookies they had made. I am really proud of him. He is such a great kid and always has a hug for anyone who needs it. I know this service was right up his alley. I just wish I had been able to go along.

Yep...Here I am. Team leader. That's my friend Jennifer in the KFC shirt. She is amazing with the greatest nick-name ever. It's a great story how she got it. It is J-Mac. That is a story for another day though.

So, my job was to lead the team that was to scrape and paint the wood trim on this house. Yes, scraping and painting. Two things that I absolutely hate. But when I was asked if I would be willing to help the church out, I couldn't really say, "Yes, but only in these certain ways." Now, that just wouldn't be the Christian response. I should respond with a hearty, "Yes! I shall serve my God in any way He calls me!!". Glory Be!

Ok, so I didn't respond that way, but I did say yes before finding out what my assignment would be. I have learned a valuable lesson. Ask first!

So, I had fun and the people on my team were great. Sure, the Jr. High kids didn't exactly scrape as much as I had hoped, and painted each other a little more than the wood trim, but they had fun and that's what matters, right? Well, My dear hubby and my son completed their projects and are happily living in the project free zone. Three weeks later and I am still looking at unpainted trim and triple digit heat indexes and thinking, "Isn't this a great FALL project?"

Yes, I am the lone holdout on finished projects in the family. I really plan to get it done this week. Really. Truly. Uh huh.

Dave Ramsey is going to be my new best friend!

~Proverbs 19:20~
Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.

From my previous post you will have probably gathered that I am not too wise in the ways of finance. This would be a horrible understatment. I am absolutely pathetic in the ways of finance.

I have blindly skipped along spending money without understanding concepts and conditions that are apparently very clear and obvious to most adults. Bob says that he thinks a lot of this is because I never really understood the concepts of money as a kid. If there were money problems (and there were) I never really knew about them because back then, you didn't concern your kids with that kind of stuff. My parents provided me with a good childhood. I wasn't given everything I wanted, but it was only in later years that I learned how much my parents worked and sacrificed for the things I did have. I had no idea how much things cost or how much my parents would have to work to provide those things for me. I didn't grow up expecting everything and would have never thought to ask for or demand more, but I also didn't know the value of what I had.

So, I am trying to turn a new page in our financial book. Bob and I have been talking (calmly and considerately) about the best way to handle our finances and what I will need to do to become more responsible. (He is also working at being more understanding and considerate in the way he addresses the problem)

A couple years ago we went through Financial Peace University by Dave Ramsey. We loved it and it really worked! We got rid of six credit cards in the space of about a year and a half. We have quit using the techniques that he gives to manage your finances and to pay off debt so we are going to go back through the class this fall to re-stoke the financial fire. We are also going to start a video series in our marriage small group called imarriage. I guess you could call it a two pronged attack to our problem.

I detest the word budget and really hate the idea of not getting to "spoil" our kids with little things along the way, but I would much rather get it all under control now and have the money to do more later. I would also like to see my dear hubby not so strained and stressed.

Once again, I am asking for your prayer support as we begin this new journey. Ok, as I begin this new journey. As my scripture today suggests, I am willing to listen to wise councel. I will be praying for God to really fortify us and also that He will be kind and maybe give a few little blessings along the way. I know that we have to honor God with our finances. He is the one who is providing them after all. I just ask that I can learn to do that with as few tears and tantrums as possible.

He loves me, he loves me...why?

How is it that I am so flighty that I can write a post like this one and then completely forget it to the point that I did this weekend?

What started out as a serious but somewhat amusing conversation with our friends ended up completely destroying our weekend, and we are still in our respective corners.

I struggle with money and finances. I am horrible at them and I admit that I am irresponsible and not a little insensitive about it. I know that money is the number one thing that my husband worries about.He will lose sleep over it, work it around in his head endlessly and get somewhat depressed about our financial situation. I also know that he does his best to be understanding about my struggles with it and that he doesn't want to have to be the "bad guy" or the money police. Unfortuately, we didn't try very hard to be understanding this weekend.

We started off on money and let that just flow over into everything going on in our lives. At least I did. I let it get to the point where every suggestion and comment was a direct attack against me. One built on the other until I was convinced that he felt there was nothing good in me to be found. We haven't really gotten back to the honest communication yet, so I am not sure where he took it. There is still way to much pride and not nearly enough God in the middle for us to talk it out yet.

Now, add to that the fact that I sit here with the full knowledge that neither of us, even for a minute, considered sitting down to pray or ask God to help us and then there is just shame. What a disappointment to Him and ourselves that He was the last thing we thought of to help us strengthen the marriage that he is creating. He could communicate the truth we both see in a loving way. He could keep tempers under control. He could help us come to common ground.

I admit that I have a sensitive nature and take things way too personally. Nothing he said was a personal attack. He just sees what he feels is the best way and wants to help me out. Add to that my temper and very independent nature and well, can you see where it went so wrong so fast? I should have. I should have turned to God at the very get-go but my very stubborn self always thinks I can do it alone.

Sometimes I have to ask myself: "He loves me why?" If you are asking yourself, "Does she mean Bob or God?" the answer is both.

How wonderful that He is such a mercy-filled God. We sure don't deserve it. If only we could let go of our pride and remember that no matter what this world has for us, we have God and each other. Everything else is meaningless and could easily be gone in a second. By "we" I mostly mean "me". No, I don't think Bob was guiltless in this, but I, as usual, pushed it way over the limit.

If you think to pray for us over the next few days as we work through this, that would be a blessing.

I Finally Know Which One I Am

Have you ever watched a movie about a group of girlfriends and they each are very different but work together perfectly to make a fully supportive, diverse and exciting group?

I have seen several such movies lately, which got me to thinking; "What does my group look like?" What I learned sent me to the M&M's.

I have a friend who is very organized and task-oriented
I have a friend who is very sensitive and gentle
I have a friend who is very logical and focused
I have a friend who is very sweet and gentle

So, I have a group of friends who are organized, sensitive, logical and sweet. How wonderful! What great qualities they all have. Of course, these are not the only qualities, but they are the ones that they each have the most gifting of (at least in regards to my relationship with them).

So, you may be asking, what is my "gifting" to this circle? I too asked this question. I was really confused for a little bit. I am not overly organized, I can be insensitve sometimes, logical is not a word I understand, and I can be sweet, but not so much that I could be described that way. So I searched my soul and re-read my blogs and really paid attention to my interaction with them. What did I learn? Who am I in this well-rounded circle? Why did I feel the need to run to the M&M's?

It was when I realized that I am the COMIC RELIEF! Good Lord! I am forever tripping, falling, mis-pronouncing, forgetting, mistaking, putting my foot in my mouth, and just generally not showing that I have a clue most days.

I am the Lucille Ball of my world. Oh, Lord, have mercy!

The Update I Forgot to Post

this is a follow-up from my Color from head to toe post.

I forgot to let everyone know that yes, I did break my toe.

For those of you who don't know me well, I always assume, not just the worst, but the bizarre and crazy as well. I decided to go to the doctor, knowing full well that the only treatment for a broken toe is taping it to the next toe (buddy taping). I was worried when it broke the bone went crooked and would heal in a weird way. So, yes, I have X-rays. Not only did I break it, it is broken diagonally. The doctor said that it might take a little longer to heal that way, so I am taping for at least another five weeks. I am hoping to get some tennis shoes on in the next couple weeks. No, nothing weird or bizarre. Just broken.

Also, for the busted blood vessels: they went away. Then they came back when we took Kevin to Six Flags. Now they are gone again. The NP said that she thinks it is from walking so much while at Six Flags. She did schedule me an appointment for a vascular surgeon in September. If nothing else I will hopefully find out why my lower legs, ankles and feet are always swollen. I am fully expecting the broken blood vessels will be back by the time we get back from Six Flags tomorrow. (What? You didn't know that I was going AGAIN? Oh, yes! This time with the Jr. High kids in our youth group. Glutton for punishment? Probably!)

Finally, yes, I am still loving the red hair. It has faded a little but is still plenty red. I still feel sassy as well. I don't know why I feel better when it is red, but it has always been so. Maybe it just makes me feel more true to my Irish roots, or maybe it is just handy to let people know that a temper is contained in here. Whatever it is, I just like it red.


so, there it is, the exciting and important update.

The End of the Baseball Season

Well, Kevin is done with baseball for this season. He had a great summer and got to play in the all star games. Their team didn't win the tournament but they did win their first game, and they had a lot of hits and plenty of RBI's.

Kevin played short stop for the tournament and really liked it. He got to catch three pop flies. He said that was a lot of fun. He was once again really great in the batter box. He gets a hit every time at bat, and manages to score most of the time too.

He really showed a lot of improvement this year. It was a rocky start with the fractured elbow but he luckily didn't have to miss much and got right back into the "swing" of playing.

We live in a small town, only two teams in Kevin's age group, but we travel around our area of the state and manage to have a pretty good season.

Bob really enjoyed assisting the coaches this year. He loves hanging out with the kids and getting to know other parents in our town better.

I am so proud of Kevin for doing his best, and I know that his dad is too.

What a great day!

First off, my apologies to God. I doubted his ability to give what I asked for. We had a lovely day, low 80's, cloudy with a little sun and glorious breeze. I had to put this picture in just so you could see how He blessed us with perfect weather.











Now, I have to say...Six Flags was great! Kevin was really nervous about the rides but he pushed through and managed to ride everything we would let him. Some took longer than others. It took him most of the day to get the nerve up to ride the Batman but as soon as he did, he loved it! He went on it two more times! Bob laughed at me as I repeatedly checked his safety belts and restraints. I don't care. I was being a mom. This a picture of my guys on the Evel Knievel. Bob is in the orange shirt at the top, Kev is right next to him. This is the first drop and it is quiet scary!








He did great on the wooden coasters (which really make me a LOT nervous!). We all loved the Tony Hawk. It was so much fun to just whip around the turns. We even rode the log flume and carousel, which took me back to the days of amusement parks as a kid.



We played a few of the carni-games and just hung out. It was good family time. We slowed the afternoon down with a ride around the park on the train.








Bob said that he thinks Kevin doesn't have a problem with our relationship, I am the one that is so concerned. I tend to think he is mostly right with a little wrong thrown in. I am really glad that we took the opportunity to go.



Here is the final picture. I took this while we were waiting for the train and I just had to share. I have to say, I think I have a very handsome son and I think he is pretty cool, even though he is getting to the age where trips like this with just his parents are pretty lame. *sigh*