Getting Undignified

Have you ever had this conversation at church?

"Raise your hands up high to ME".

"Uhhh.... no one else is. I think I will just close my eyes, will that be OK?"

"No, Raise your hands up high to ME".

"But God, that will be embarrassing. No one else is."

Or how about this one.

"Go to the altar."

"I can't. Everyone is watching."

"I want to meet you at the altar."

"But everyone will know I am not perfect if I walk up there. All by myself."

"You won't be alone. I will be with you. Go to the altar. There is freedom there."

"Maybe next week God. I'll just pray here today."

A few weeks ago during worship music, the praise team started playing my very favorite song. It's one of those songs that seems to come from no where when I need to hear it most. When I am feeling disconnected from God. When I have had a hard week. When I am questioning something. When I have been hurt by someone. It is just my song. I never know when it will show up, and I always know, deep inside, that God sends that song to me so that I can refocus myself directly to His heart.

Whenever I sing that song, I raise my hands. At church. At conferences. At home. In the car. I just do. I can't help it. But this last time, I was in the front of the church. It was the early service where there really aren't any "hand-raisers". I knew if I raised my hands, up there in front of the church, that everyone would look at me because I was, most likely, going to be the only one doing so. 

I didn't want to.

I didn't want everyone to look at me. I didn't want to stand out. 

And I almost didn't. 

But God put a Scripture in my heart last year, that helps me in these times.

David, wearing a linen ephod, danced before the LORD with all his might... David said to Michal, "It was before the LORD, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the LORD’s people Israel—I will celebrate before the LORD. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes." 2 Samuel 6:14, 21-22

I thought of David dancing in the streets, and the only one he acknowledged was God. It says he "danced before the LORD". There were hundreds, thousands, of people there to see the Ark brought home, and David didn't care. He danced with all his might, to praise and worship God.  How must he have looked? To the people, probably a little crazy, a little embarrassing. But to God? He looked beautiful.

So I did. I lifted my hands. I closed my eyes, lifted my hands, and felt a blessing that was mine alone. 

Not everyone feels a call or need to raise their hands. It isn't a requirement of proper worship. There is no such thing as proper worship. Worship is focusing your heart, mind and body on God and then giving your all. If you do that, you are properly worshiping, in what ever form it may take.

The same is true for a call to the altar. Not everyone feels it. Certain words, or feelings are pressed on us by the Holy Spirit to lead us to a special time of humility before God. He doesn't call us to the altar to embarrass us before our friends. He doesn't call us there to 'teach us a lesson'. He calls us there to do special business with our heart, to heal or grow our relationship with Himself. When we refuse to go, when we let appearance hold us back, we miss a special worship time with him. There is something about kneeling before God, praying and doing business with him, that leads to a time of celebration that is unlike other times. 

By being too dignified to go, to kneel, to weep and praise, we miss it. 

David even tells us that we will feel a little silly. But he said he was willing to be "humiliated in my own eyes".  That means we might get a little uncomfortable. Feel a little foolish. Feel, and look, a little undignified. Do it anyway.

The next time you feel the need to praise a little differently than everyone else, or feel a pull to the altar and you don't want to go.... get a little undignified. Raise those hands high. Walk in humble obedience to kneel before your God. Dance with all your might. Get a little more undignified. There is nothing like celebrating before the Lord, for His glory alone. 

Beating a dead horse

"Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful."  2 Timothy 2:23-24

"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe" Philippians 2:14-15

There are times and places to dig in your heels and refuse to budge. There are times when not letting go of something is exactly the right thing to do. Morally or ethically or spiritually. We should never compromise. 

But other times? Well, have you ever heard of beating a dead horse?

Beating a dead horse: To bring up an issue that has already been resolved. Any attempt to discuss said issue is pointless, as it has already been done repeatedly.

These are the conversations that we refuse to drop. Either with our spouse, with our kids, with our friends,  or even with God. We call them "discussing", "revisiting", or "making our point". But Scripture says we are arguing. Being quarrelsome. Even complaining. 

How do you know if you are "beating a dead horse"?

Here are some clues:

- No matter how you re-phrase or re-structure your argument, you are saying the same thing you said the last ten times you talked about this particular subject.

Beating a dead horse.

- You know that the person you are trying to have the discussion with has firmly refused to budge any of the other times you have talked about it. They know your position, your reasons and your desire, and they are still not budging. 

Beating a dead horse.

- Nothing changes but you feel the need to push your idea one more time (either directly or indirectly).

Beating a dead horse.

Besides bringing frustration and tension, beating a dead horse can also sow discord and bitterness if you are in disagreement with your spouse or your friend and you just won't let it go.

It can bring feelings of rejection and inadequacy in your children.

It can bring struggle and quiet to your communication with God.

You may feel like you are completely justified in your position, and you may be right. 

But if you and your spouse are not in agreement and you just keep hammering your point, eventually your spouse will run for cover when they see you coming, or completely shut down. And lets face it, after a while, don't we know our spouse won't agree? We are just poking at them to satisfy our need to let out some frustration over not getting our way.

Your friend might decide that it is better to have some space (away from you) instead of covering the same ground.

Your kids might choose to disconnect and shut you out. After all, you care more about getting your way than actually listening to them.

God will listen to your every word, every desire, and continue to lead you where He wants you to go. You can go with a willing heart- or kicking and screaming to get your way every. single. step. You will eventually end up where He wants you anyway, you will just do it the "learning your lesson" way (and really, who prefers that!?).

May I encourage you today to give over to God your desire to be right? Let him resolve your heart to what is, not what you wish could be.  The best way to start is to ask yourself "Is getting my way really more important than my relationship with ___________________?"

Remember, as stated in our verse above, we are to shine like stars, and we can't do that if we are in the process of beating a dead horse.

Broken Prayer

I'm so thirsty
but there's water next to me.

I hurt inside
but tears won't help me mend.

I'm lost in time
with my schedule by my side.

I'm oh so lonely
but there are friends all around.

Looking all around me
When it's my neck I need to bend.

Asking only to hear you
I don't stop talking for you to speak.

My broken heart is healing
as your peace pours all around.

Take me.

Break me.

Mold me.

Fill me up again.

Worship washes this heart clean.
Your Word directs my thoughts.
Your spirit guides my ways.
All the good you've done in me
started with an open upraised hand.

Face to you, face on the ground.
laying it down, spilling it out.

Over and over.

Overwhelmed by you,
My forever Emmanuel.

Happy or joyful?

"They blessed the king and then went home, joyful and glad in heart for all the good things the LORD had done for his servant David and his people Israel." 1 Kings 8:66

I have to confess. I was looking at clothes the other day. I was looking at clothing several sizes smaller than I am. I was wishing. I was making myself depressed. I wanted to go home and eat something comforting.

Why did I do that to myself? Why do women do that?

If I can stay in the moment, stay focused on the here and now, I am generally pretty happy. I can take things moment by moment and celebrate the little victories. But sometimes I look ahead at the way I wish things were. 

I was so happy just moments ago because I had a great workout today. Then I looked at myself in the mirror and reality hit. I have a long, long way to go.

Happiness crash 'n burn.

I love the above verse from 1 Kings. The Israelite were joyful and glad in heart for all the good things the LORD had done.

They weren't joyful over things that they were hoping for, striving for, looking to. They weren't looking for something better, or more.

They were joyful over the things that had already happened. 

How often do we look forward and become dissatisfied, even disheartened, over what we wish could be?

By keeping our focus on what God has already done for us, we can claim the joy that God promises. 

Today I can choose to thank God for walking with me through a good workout. For giving me the energy and health to do it, and to feel better afterward. Or I can choose to focus on the way I wish I was. 

I think today I will choose to be glad in heart over what God just did for me.

One other thing to ponder: Joy is from the LORD. No conditions. We don't have to earn it or seek it. It is in our heart because of the love we have for Jesus. Happiness is a fleeting thing that we chase to make us feel better. Happiness comes from the world. Joy from God. 

As I did today, stop and ask yourself, am I seeking happiness for myself, or am I basking in the joy of what God has already done in my life? 

From reacting to responding

My quest to follow after Jesus more closely is starting off on a very difficult foot. 

What a surprise, huh? 

As I have written in the past, my son is amazing. He is sweet. He is a hugger. He is so fun to watch play basketball and football. He is an unbeatable big brother. 

And he knows how to push my buttons like no other. And he loves to do it. I just don't get it. 

OK, well I sorta do. It is fun to push buttons when you get such fun reactions. 

I have been known to do any and/or all of the following at some point over the past 12 years:

Yell

Scream

Slam doors

Make empty threats

Cry

Give up

Back down

My son has even told me in the past that he intentionally will keep pushing at me until I over-react. Yes, my sweet and loving son likes, no loves, to push my buttons. 

And I let him.

It would be so much better if I could say that he makes me over-react. But that simply wouldn't be true. I can absolutely choose to stay calm, to not react, to not give in. 

But generally I don't. Instead of responding, I react.

"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."

Colossians 3:12

There is no excuse for not responding with patience and gentleness. With goodness and self-control. I already have these things. These are things that God knew I would need and he supplied them to me when I accepted Jesus as my savior. But God didn't make these things my default. I have to choose them. I have to actively reach for them, use them, and grow them. 

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."

Galatians 5:22-23

The fruit is there, but I am not choosing it.

I am really starting to see that I am damaging my son's view of God's ability to change a person. Maybe he doesn't get it yet, maybe he will see that his mom is just a really flawed human being that makes bad choices. But maybe he sees that God doesn't really change people and can't help with struggles. 

Maybe my son prayed that he would receive an encouragement or special word from God, and God had chosen me to serve as the answer to that prayer. 

But without using the power of the Holy Spirit inside me, of stopping and thinking and responding instead of reacting, my son didn't receive that encouragement or special word. At least not from me.

How sad that makes my heart. After I over-react, there is always guilt, always doubt in my abilities, always regret. 

It is time to make a change.

If you saw my New Year's post, you know I am not into making specific resolutions. But this year I am committing to follow Jesus more closely than ever before. This has to start in my home. It has to start with me and the testimony that I want to live out in front of my son and daughter.

"Similarly, encourage the young men to be self-controlled. In everything set them an example by doing what is good. In your teaching show integrity, seriousness and soundness of speech that cannot be condemned, so that those who oppose you may be ashamed because they have nothing bad to say about us."

Titus 2:6-8

The amazing thing about the Bible is that there really is something for everything. It isn't hype. It isn't hard to find. God isn't the impossible task-master. By asking for his help, he is quick and faithful to help. 

When I asked God to help me in changing how I react to my son, I found this in under a minute:

"My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. James 1:19-21

A swift kick in the backside, as well as an encouragement and instruction. 

So, over the year, as I commit to following Jesus, the fruit will be a better testimony lived out in front of my son. And this is just the beginning. 

Will it be easy? No. Will I get it right every time? No. But I will be striving and stepping in the right direction. And that is what this year, and following Jesus, are all about.

In a Minute

"In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation."  Psalm 5:3

As a parent, I am constantly saying "in a minute!"

"Mom come here!"

"In a minute!"

"Mommy, look at this!"  

"In a minute!"

"Mom, can I"....

                              "Mom, may I"....

                                                             "Mom, listen"....

"IN A MINUTE!"

With the constant demands of kids, I get in the habit of having them wait until I have completed one thing (usually at least a thought!) before I move on to their next need. If there isn't blood, a stranger or broken bones involved, I want them to learn to wait their turn, be polite, and have respect for other people. I forget sometimes that they just need to know that I am there for them. That I am willing to put them first, get eye-to-eye with them and say "Yes, baby? What is it?"

But lately, I feel like I have said "wait a minute" a lot. I said it the other day and my daughter just growled "uuuuugh!" and stomped off. It made me wonder what amazing four-year-old girl insight I had missed. And just how many times I had asked her to wait that day.

I didn't even know.

As the week wore on, I kept thinking about this. As usually happens, eventually I managed to apply it to myself.

When was the last time I called out to God and heard, "In a minute!"?

As we see in the verse above, God hears us. Not "in a minute".  No "hold on while I finish this up." But as soon as we give voice to our prayer, God hears us.

It's as if he drops everything, leans down close to us, face-to-face, and says "Yes Baby? What is it?"

Our prayers are so important to God. He drops everything to hear them. In his amazing ability, he does this for every one of us, whenever we call to him. No matter how many times or ways we pray, he is always there to hear.

When was the last time you really prayed as if you believed this? When was the last time you waited in expectation for God?

I have to say, the idea of expecting God to actually act on my prayer sometimes doesn't really enter the picture. I pray, I feel like God knows my thoughts and hopes, and then I just go on about my day. I don't ever expect to see God's answer. Have you been there before, too? Are you there now?

Be encouraged to expect God today. He is waiting to hear from you, and your prayers are never in vain. Expect those God-sized answers. Expect to see something amazing. Expect to see a miracle. But never expect to hear "Wait a minute!".

It just will never happen.

Resolution

Resolution:

• A resolve or determination; to make a firm resolution to do something
• The act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc.
• The mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose

Hello January 1st! What a great day to dictate my hopes, dreams, actions and directions for the next year! I am determining on this day to only eat healthy things, only do healthy things, have only good attitudes and love EVERYONE!

And now, back to reality.

It is easy to be resolute in these things when we are excited about the possibilities of a new year. When life hasn't yet had a chance to put to the test our "resolving or determining upon an action or course of action".  

We know that we will really do it this time. 

We are strong!

We are committed!

We are fooling ourselves!!

The biggest problem with New Year's Resolutions are that they are utterly specific and completely unattainable! I resolved to quit smoking year after year... and never made it far. I resolved to only eat portion sizes and cut out extra sugar, until that first box of donuts crossed my path.  I resolved to get my emotions under control, until my kid pushed all the buttons that only my kid can push (and will do so gleefully!).

Our heart is in the right place. Our desire is in the right place. But we forget about life. And we forget we aren't perfect. 

So we fail. We let ourselves down. Resolution gone. 

It isn't that we aren't trying, resolutions are just not life-proof.

Paul says it like this:

"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing. Now, if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it."    Romans 7:15-20

Basically, Paul is saying no matter how good we want to be, try to be, strive to be, we are not perfect people. We will never be perfect people. We all struggle with sin, so we will all fall or fail at one time or another.

But don't be discouraged! There is Hope!

One aspect of resolutions is attainable. If you noticed, the last definition is "firmness of purpose".  

Resolutions can and will succeed if they are based on our firmness of purpose. Not definite material or physical goals.

At the end of 2012, will you be able to look back and say, I never swayed from the main purpose of this year. I tried my best to love others more than myself, I tried to be healthier than I was last year. I tried to keep control of my tongue and my attitude when I usually would have let loose with every weapon in my arsenal? Those are kept resolutions.

I have defined my "firmness of purpose" for 2012 like this:

I will love Jesus this year more than I have ever loved him before. I will be more intentional about it. I will work harder at it. And I will let the fruit of that love show in the ways that God has planned for me to the best of my ability and obedience. And I will praise God even when I can't find the good in my current situation, because the good is there because God is there.

I didn't promise myself to lose 70 pounds. 

I didn't promise to never lose my temper with my kids again.

I didn't promise to have all my debt paid off in six months.

I promised to love Jesus and let him work through me. That is a resolution that I will keep.

Struggle

I haven't wanted to talk about this... telling you what one of my biggest struggles is.

Every time I try, all I can think is, this is stupid, it's vain, and shallow and in the face of other struggles, it is so insignificant as to be laughable. But in talking to a friend, I realized, I needed to share this because so many women struggle with weight issues, and pretend they don't because they feel like it isn't a valid thing to struggle with.

But the truth is, anything that you are struggling with is something that is keeping you from growing closer to God, as that this is the struggle that he is going to use to show himself to you in a new way. So, I decided to talk about my weight struggles with you.

If you have ever, or if you are are struggling with your weight, you know, you KNOW that it really isn't about your weight at all.

One of the reasons I hate that I struggle with my weight is because it is a very visible sign that I have some issues with being obedient to God. I can't hide it. Every time I look in the mirror I see it. So, for the past year or two, after I dress for the day and look in the mirror to make sure my outfit is OK, I don't look in the mirror again. I make a point not to. I don't want to see myself. I don't want to see that I have something that isn't right with me, and... to be honest, I don't want to see myself looking this way. There are many days where I just wear some yoga pants or sweats and a baggy tee and don't even bother to look in the mirror at all.

Now, let me clarify something. I LOVE Jesus. There are not enough words or ways for me to tell you how much I love him. He picked me up out of the mess I had made of my life seven years ago, and I truly want to live my life for him in every way. That is one of the things that is so painful about this. I trust that God can do amazing things in every area of my life. But this one. For some reason, I just can't get myself to believe the truth that I know.

There are some amazing Scriptures regarding my struggle with weight.

1 Cor 10:23 says: “Everything is permissible”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible”—but not everything is constructive.”

1 Cor 6:19 says “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own.”

Hebrews 4:15-16 says “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

and there are many, many more. when I am really on my game, and trying really hard, and even seeing some progress, these Scriptures encourage me and keep me going.

The thing is, I am not always on my game. In my down times, in the times that I am really struggling they don't just convict me, they make me feel guilty and defeated, and ashamed. (By the way, those are NOT thoughts from God. Only Satan deals in guilt, defeat and shame. But I listen anyway.) My body is supposed to be a temple and look at it...Jesus was tempted in every way and didn't sin, but I can't figure this one thing out.

I have avoided situations and people because of it. I have “fat friend” syndrome. I feel like the fat friend so I therefore think that my friends think that too. I asked one of my friends once if this was the case. She said no, of course not, that I was being ridiculous. But I still feel that way some days. I have to tell myself that that isn't true. That my friends don't think like that. And come on, if they did, what kind of friend would they be, really? My friends are better than that, and my struggle is leading me to do a huge disservice to them.

I truly live in the truth of Philippians 4:8-9 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” and also Philippians 4:13 “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”

I struggled in a different area four years ago, and these verses were a lifeline to me. There were days where I walked around saying “Whatever is true, whatever is true” over and over. And I won that battle. But I have only recently begun to apply the truths of these Scriptures to this struggle. For some reason that I don't understand, I wasn't applying the truths that I know and believe.... to my eating.

Just like with the way I projected my struggle onto my friends, I need to start projecting Jesus onto my struggle.

I recently read a book that catagorized eating struggles and I really feel like I fit into one of the categorizes.

I am an “unconvicted eater”. I hate the struggle, hate how I feel and look, and hate that I am not being obedient to God, but for some reason, I am unconvicted before I start eating those cookies. Or chips. Or extra helping. Or two.

It is only afterward that the conviction comes. And shame. And the negative things I say to myself.

And it is a bad cycle that continues to spin. I eat when I am bored. When I am depressed and when I am insecure. Food is my security blanket in these areas.

As you can see, I am still struggling. But I have some hope for this situation that I didn't before. I have some idea of what my struggle truly is, and am even trying to apply Scriptural truth to it. One of my biggest needs in this right now is accountability. I don't have it with another sister in Christ right now and that is a huge thing. It is easy to ignore God's nudging of the spirit, it is much harder to ignore someone standing right in front of you holding you accountable. So that is the next step on my journey.

This isn't one of those amazing ending testimonies. I guess I just brought you in on the ground floor of my amazing testimony in the making. But I think more than that, God wanted me to share that if you are struggling with this, then you are not alone. Yes, I am struggling with it too, but more importantly, no matter how many times you fail at a diet or exercise program, see the numbers on the scale stay the same, or even go up, God is right there. He wants us to remember that we can do ALL things through him who gives us strength, and that includes starting over. 

God's plans for us are good, and he does have a plan for me through this. And he has a plan for you, too. And that is a thought that lovely, praiseworthy, and true.

A little looking back

I have been busy. Whoever said that being a stay-at-home mom involved staying home was joking.

Literally.

I have so many ideas running around in my head, but I can't get the time to get them written out.

I hate that I don't post regularly. Thanks so much for sticking with me.

I have three links for you. Three of my offerings from several years ago. it was fun to go back and read them. I hope you enjoy it.

And if its your first time reading them well, I hope you enjoy them too!

Have you ever heard a promise laugh?

Focused on Service

Joy found at the well

In His Arms

I recently realized I was so disconnected from God I hadn't even noticed it had happened. I had been praying my list, trusting him to be in my day, but I couldn't remember the last time I had spent any time with him to just be near him, just us two in the quiet.

Last weekend I went to a wonderful conference called RefresHER. It is a one day conference that is to do just that. Refresh us. Renee Swope was the speaker. She spoke on confidence and allowing ourselves to be seen, built and established through the love and redemption of God's plan for us. I taught a workshop on praying for your children. It was a wonderful day and I felt very refreshed and re-purposed to focus my vision on God, so I would remember to see myself as he does.

Then I realized, I hadn't focused my eyes upwards in quite some time.

God had been speaking to me, blessing me, guiding me, and I hadn't taken any time to just rest with God and be in his presence. To be thankful for all he has given me.

Has that ever happened to you? You realized you were living in the blessing, soaking it in, and giving nothing back? I don't know about you, but when I realized it, I felt like a spoiled, ungrateful brat. Not so much as a "thank you" had been sent heaven-ward in who knows how long.

Wednesday, I got my daughter off to pre-school, came home, turned off everything but my laptop and settled into my favorite chair. I turned on my praise and prayer playlist, grabbed my Bible, my Priscilla Shirer study on Jonah, and my favorite devotion book. I spent the whole afternoon singing, lifting my hands, reading my Bible, and doing my study. I had, in essence, curled up in my Daddy's lap to spend the afternoon cuddling. When I closed my Bible and shut off my music, I felt like a completely different person.

Can I encourage you to do the same? It might not be a whole afternoon. it might be an hour, thirty minutes, or 10 minutes waiting in the carpool lane at school. You will not regret the time you give God to just love him.

One of the songs I listened to, and that really helped me to feel close to my Jesus, was a song I heard at the conference. It is called "In Your Arms" by Meredith Andrews.

For the next four minutes and thirty-one seconds, would you turn off everything but your speakers, close your eyes, and just sit in God's lap? I guarantee it will be time well-spent.