Have you ever heard a promise laugh?

This is my family. My husband Bob, who isn't really that much taller than me, just one step up on the platform. He is wonderful. The true definition of a gentle giant. He loves me and most of the time I can't figure out why! the best way I can describe him is by a feeling. When he walks into the room, I feel the stresses and emotions of the day melt away. He is my strength and my rock. God is truly generous to me!

the little cutie next to me I guess isn't so little any more. He is my favorite (ok, only but if I had more than one I am sure he would be the favorite) son, Kevin. We are going through a pretty tough season right now. I constantly remind myself that I love him, and that I don't have to understand him, just accept him. He is a great kid though. He is probably the best big brother ever. he is gentle like his dad, a helper and quite cute. He is a great baseball player and has an amazing ability to solve puzzles that I envy! I am so excited that soon we will begin dating...I want him to be as good a husband someday as his dad is now.

Finally, that little pretty princess is Abby. Abigail Kelly to be exact. Abigail means "father's Joy" and Kelly means "mighty warrior". We have given her a lot to live up to. As I study the bible it is very obvious that God puts great meaning into the names of his people. I wanted Abby's name to be something that glorified God. I think we did a great job.

This picture was taken on Father's Day at church as we dedicated Abby to God. Now, if you don't know me or know my story, I have only been walking with God for about four years. My life before that was ugly and out of control. I usually compare that time of my life with being in the rough part of a tornado, not the middle where there is a tiny place of calm, but out there with all the flying trash and junk and not knowing which was was up. My marriage was pretty close to over, I was very angry and emotional, and I was a screamer mom. Every frustration I had was screamed at Kevin each time he failed to live up to my expectation or stepped out of line. My life was just a mess. No other way to put it.

One more thing to add to the story. When I had Kevin I went through a pretty rough time with post partum depression. There were thoughts and feelings that I experienced during that time that made me certain I would never have another child. I didn't want to go through that or experience those thoughts or feelings again. Ever. I was dead set. I swore.

Well, in the last four years my life has changed in a way that only God could accomplish. So much has been changed and forgiven. Jesus is real to me in a way that I can never explain, although I want to...to everyone!

We were broke, trying to pay off a lot of debt, just starting to heal our marriage and repair some of the damage I had done to the relationship with my son and just learning what it means to have true friends. We were working with the youth in our church and I just started a new job as an administrative assistant at my local crisis preganancy center. Our lives were starting to heal. Then, something amazing and wonderful and crazy happened. I got pregnant. Me. The one who was dead set against having another baby, the one who SWORE I would never get pregnant again.

I can't tell you how excited I was during the whole pregnancy. Every twitch, hiccup, nudge and roll was a source of joy and excitement. When we were told we were having a girl, I didn't hesitate. Her name was Abby. I just knew she was going to be a source of great joy for God. She already was. I prayed Psalm 139 over my baby. Trusting God to make her perfect in his eyes. Finally, she was here! How georgous she was! Because of meconium they had to monitor her directly after birth. I didn't get to hold her but I could see her perfectly. I watched her wiggle and look around fuss and sigh. I laughed at her cute fuzzy hair and made everyone tell me how precious she looked. finally! I get to hold her! I laugh as they bring her over, wrapped in a little white and teal striped blanket with a pink yarn bow in her hair. They put her in my arms and I just started crying. I couldn't stop. She was so beautiful and so perfect. The answer to prayer. The completion of a promise that God made to me.

That promise was this...

God told me that he loved me. That I was beautiful and that I was forgiven. He had taken all that had gone on in my life and put it away, never to be again. His grace was more than sufficent. It was abundant. God took my love for him and his love for me, and wrapped it up in a little baby. She is my promise that God trusts me with his love. That he will give the care and growth and teaching of this little miracle to me and my husband. That there was never anything bad enough in my past that he couldn't forgive. Once I gave away the guilt I felt I needed to keep, Abby was given to us.

the day this picture was taken was the day that we as a family stood in front of our church family and promised that we knew that Abby wasn't ours...she is Gods. Completely. But he has been so generous as to allow us to raise her, always remembering and teaching that God is a God of love and grace and mercy. she is our promise to God, and his to us. Have you ever heard a promise laugh? I have. It is the most beautiful sound in the world.

I just don't have it in me today

This is the attitude that I have been struggling with all week. I just want to curl up and not have to DO anything or take care of anyone or think about anything. I know I am supposed to blog but I am not sure for what because everything I try to write about comes off as whiny and "poor me". Ugh.

I kinda feel like this is the crash after my week at camp with the teens. I know I felt emotionally exhausted about Tuesday nite and I just tried to pray my way through the rest of the week. Nothing monumental happened, but I just felt like I needed to be "on" the whole time. Of course, I also felt like if I placed even the tinest bit of my toe off the line than we would be judged. Plus the fact that we knew there were some kids that signed up just to spend time with Keith and then he didn't get to go so I felt like we let them down without even doing anything. Then there are the ones that it is as if God is speaking directly to them and they purposefully just turn their head and ignore the message and don't let it change them. That is so frustrating.

So, what am I supposed to say here? I know I need to get into some scripture but I just don't know what I want to ask God for.

I think Lysa's blog has a big impact on how I am feeling. Not that I read it and now am down, just that I feel like that a lot and it just takes so much out of you to constantly be wanting others to like you and accept you. I KNOW in my heart that it isn't right to think like that, but I sure do continue to judge myself and come up short every time.

I have a lot to work on. I just don't have it in me today.

Only uncertainty is certain, right?

Will we ever get these bills paid off?
What does a balanced checking account look like?
Is she EVER going to have that baby?
What is going to happen at camp next week?
Are Kevin and I ever going to find common ground again?

I dislike waiting for things. I really do. If there is something I am anticipating I want it to happen NOW! when I am ready. If something isn't going the way I want it to, then it needs to change, quick!

Unfortuately, life sure doesn't go along with my philosophy. There are so many things in our lives that are uncertain. I even have days, lots of days, where I am even uncertain what I should pray for. " God, it's me, I'm really confused again. What's going on?"

In John 14:27 God promises "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful."

How often I trust this to be true in the big things, but in the normal day to day I find myself depending on my own comfort. I always seem to fall short of peace when that happens. Lots of little things build up and I get more frustrated and unsure and fearful until I am at a place where everything seems like a "big thing". If I had just trusted God's peace with the little things in the beginning then I probably would have never gotten to the point where I needed help with the "big things".

So, to answer my own question, wrong, there is someone much stronger than I that I can be certain of at all times.

"Trust in the LORD forever, for in GOD the LORD, we have an everlasting Rock." Isaiah 26:4

Real Life Fairytale

I have a real life fairytale love. Not the disney kind or the romantic novel kind... the real kind. We screw up and we hurt each other and we are selfish and insensitive and we fight and get it all wrong... and yet we always come back to each other. More often than not we forget to put God in the middle, so there is plenty of room for the world to get between us, but we try and we don't give up, and we remember who put us together in the first place.

I guess I am feeling pretty in love with my husband tonight. Not for any special reason, but for all the little reasons that make him my everyday hero. He might not have a white horse and he didn't have to rescue me from a tall tall tower, but he comes through when I need him to and I know he loves me. That's hero enough for me.

1 Corinthians 13

Love

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Lost in the amusement park

I think I have been living in an amusement park where my son is concerned. I have been on the roller coaster, having highs and lows. I have been on the merry-go-round having the same arguments day after day. I have been on the pirate ship swinging back and forth on parenting techiques and not enjoying the highs or lows of any of them. I have been on the bumper cars butting heads with him day in day out. I have even tried to sit it out on the bench and just watch but that didn't work either.

Right now he is like one of those wandering characters that are so annoying at the parks. He looks familiar on the outside, and he will give me a hug and smile and wave for pictures, but I have no idea who he is inside.

We had another bang up morning. I was running late, he wouldn't do as he was told, I got frustrated he dug his heels in and I started yelling. I could practically write the script for this.

I want to get out of the park and get back to normal.

And Now We Wait

Well, the doctor said that there is definately a small fracture in his arm. He also said that there is a bit of compression injury as well. He is in a splint until the 10th and then we go back for another x-ray. So now we wait and try to find ways to keep an 8 year old boy entertained during the summer when he can't use one arm. I'm quite sure that will be a piece of cake.

Blessings and Curses

My dear, sweet son is pretty klutzy. He gets it honestly. I lived at the ER as a kid, always falling and damaging something, usually my head. That may explain some things about me. Anyway!

Kevin was bored Memorial Day afternoon so went outside to play on his swing set in the back yard. It is one of those wooden playhouses with the sand box underneath and a slide and a swingset off to the side. Well, he had been out playing for awhile, then he came in crying. He said he hurt his arm. I, being the gentle and loving Mom that I am, couldn't see any sign of injury so grabbed his arm and shook it a little while saying, "Just shake it off". He started crying, close to screaming. Ok, that wasn't the right response. We put it on ice but after about two hours it was still not going to be moved so we headed to Promptcare. After about an hour and a few x-rays later we were told he had a slight fracture in his elbow and that he needed to see an orthopedist.

We are headed there this afernoon. I have a feeling he is going to be in a sling or some such thing for awhile. I am hoping he won't have to have a full fledged cast but we will see.

My thing is, this looks like such a curse to his summer. He loves playing baseball and is really good at it, he has shown huge improvment every year, and this year already he has hit a nice consistancy in his hitting. He is playing third base which he really likes. I hate that he may have to sit out playing the whole season. (little league for the South Fork league lasts until the first of July). He also during the summer goes to day camp out at manner's park. He absolutely loves it. The whole afternoon the are at the pool and he spends most of his time diving off the two lower boards and jumping off the high dive. Each week at the camp is themed and they learn about different things. He will be limited in what he gets to do, although I have heard you can get a water cast now that you can use to go swimming. I doubt seriously he would get to dive off the boards though, and that, to him, is what the pool is all about. Finally, we were going to start taking him to six flags and the water park there, as well as a couple trips to knight's action park. All things that will be hard to do if he is in a cast.

So, my thinking is this. It all looks like a curse, that his summer is going to look pretty boring and restricted if he has to have a cast. But what if this is a blessing to us? What if this gives us the time to slow down and really get to know each other this summer? He is growing up so terribly fast. I already feel like he is a little stranger sometimes. Bob gets him, he is always saying things like " It's just being a boy" or "I did stuff just like that as a kid". But I don't get it and I never did that stuff so I feel like he is growing away from me, and maybe this is my chance to get re-connected with him before the pre-teen years hit.

We have been so busy with work, and ministry and everything else under the sun that we spend more time running the kids from sitter to sitter and less time cuddling on the couch and playing together outside.

I have recently really been listening to what I think God is trying to tell me, andhe is trying to get it through my head that he has already given me ministries and priorites in my life. I am trying to find more so that I feel like I am serving him and his people. I tend to forget that my first two ministries live in my home. My husband and my children. God has given Kevin and Abby to us to teach them, and raise them and develop them. It is our job to "be Jesus" to them, and to show them God every second of the day. I have read (several places) that a child's father is the image of God that children have. I tend to think it applies, in some part, to mothers as well. We are the ones that teach them what love is supposed to look like and feel like and act like. If we don't get it right, or do our very best to get it right, what view will they have? Do I want Kevin and Abby to grow up thinking that God is the type of person that shoves his kid to the side to go hang out with other people's kids? No. Growing up, kids need to KNOW that they have someone on their side, someone that loves them more than anyone else on the planet. Someone who will be there no matter what, do anything and love them no matter what. That is our job. I have been letting too many people "parent" my kids. God has given that responsibility to me and to Bob, not his parents, my parents, or any of our friends. They may love them, but God gave them to US to raise.

So, curses can be blessings and blessings can feel like curses. It is all in the way you look at them and if you allow God to reveal himself. I don't know what we will find out at the doctor today. Maybe he will say kevin will be as good as new in a week or so. That would be great! I just look at the whole situation as a blessing. I got to look into the future a little bit, and I have the option of changing tracks and being a better parent instead of continuing down the road we have been on. What a fool I would be to not take that new road.

Frustrated

I have to say I was a big 'ol self centered girl for Mother's Day. I pouted just like the finest of three year olds. I know I was being selfish and I still did it anyway. Sometimes I just wish that my husband found doing things for me as important and fulfilling as doing things for anyone else.
I have been studying Proverbs 31 and apparently I need to be studying the fruits of the spirit because all I can think is "I wish that there was a Proverbs 32 for men, that way THEY could see what they are supposed to be and do too".

Ever since I have been going to church I hear how I am supposed to be meek and mild and let my husband lead me and still be an asset to him and to offer my ideas and to do all these wonderful things that even just saying them depresses me because I am mainly NOT those things. So for the last two years I have really been struggling to change a lot about myself. I have made some huge progress. Others can see how I am trying. I know I will never be perfect but I really want to be a good wife to Bob so I try my best. I just still have things that I struggle with. Sometimes they are pretty bad struggles. I would almost call them battles. I can call a ceasefire for awhile but then they start up again.

How easy would life be if I actually trusted God to work in my instead of constantly trying to work on myself.

*sigh*.

Spring in Illinois

I LOVE WEATHER! Ok, that probably sounds crazy but I love storms and high winds and the possiblity of seeing a tornado. I have been in two and neither time I got to SEE it. I have to admit...it is TOTALLY different when you have kids. I know there is nothing I can do about the weather and I trust God, but I still worry about my kids when the weather is bad.

This morning was GREAT! There was high winds, hail, rain, thunder and tornado sirens blaring. I kept looking out of the window but since I was at work and there was a client here, I couldn't stay by the window to watch. *sigh* Nothing major happened here, which is a blessing, but still, it would have been fun to see one.

Bob and I used to go to the lake and watch the lightening when it stormed, but now with the kids, it is too much of a hassle and Kevin isn't really fond (to put it lightly) of storms.

I tend to think how amazing God is to create such things. How he not only made all the elements of a storm, but he dictated what the results of every combination of those elements would be. I know it is an amazing demonstration of his power, and knowing it is only the smallest demonstration of what he can do is even more amazing, but I also think it is a wonderful example of his creativity and joy.

There is the possiblity of more storms for the rest of the day, so I plan on sitting at my desk and watching them. while I work of course.

Nothin' Excitin'...Sorry Folks

Not much exciting has happened the last few days. I think I am really really thankful for that! It seemed like we were in this cycle of super busy, always running never just BEING. Over the past few weeks we have made a consious effort to spend time at home, getting housework caught up, spending time with the kids, doing a few home improvement things. I am so much happier! I try and try to be a goer and doer but I am really a home-body. I like to nest in my little space in this world and come out occasionally to meet with friends and to do something for someone else. I am sure that sounds pretty boring but it is what makes me happy!

We have almost gotten the living room painted. For those of you that don't know, it was chocolate brown. I loved it when we painted it, but it got darker and darker 'til I felt like I was in a cave all the time. We have now painted it a very sunny, muted yellow. It is so pretty and so warm and inviting. It has opened up the room and made it feel so much more inviting. I LOVE it! We have picked out a really pretty vanilla cream color for our bedroom (currently moss green). I have a dusty teal blue comforter set all ready to go. It has cream, gold and brown circles all over it. My friend April and I are getting ready to do a surprise room makeover for my hubby. I will post pictures when we get it done.

Kevin has started baseball practice. Once again, he is practically twice the size of all the other kids. *sigh* I know I need to just get used to it. Anyway, he is really excited about playing and I can't wait to see him. He made so many improvements last year. And, now that I have the new camera, I am all ready to be the proud mom!

Abby has some kind of sinus/allergy thing going. I feel so horrible! I think she is going to have my crappy immune system. I pray not! She doesn't act sick, just wanting some extra cuddles. Man, it's a rough job. :) She is starting to cruise the furniture. I am so proud of my girl but I wish she wouldn't hurry through all this stuff. I know how fast time flies and she isn't making it any easier!

Bob and I are doing pretty well. We have had some good conversations and we are working our way to working on a budget, but neither of us wants to. We know there will be lots of bill left at the end of the paychecks. We are just going to have to buckle down more. I have already cut back on the extra youth group stuff. It doesn't seem like much but if you sit down and look at everything we do in a month, it really adds up!

Well, that's about it for now. I will get pictures of the living room and bedroom posted as soon as they are done.