"Blessed is she, who has believed, that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished." Luke 1:45

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

And in the silence comes a word

I miss my little bloggy corner of the world. It is like I am in my most comfy chair with my blankie and my diet Dr. Pepper chatting with some really great girlfriends about God, life, chocolate and purses.

My life has been a crazy whirlwind of, well, everything. I will give you a quick catch-up.

Kevin has taken off as a 5th grader. His grades have improved, his reading and learning disabilities have taken a decided up-swing, he is becoming slightly more responsible (I say slightly because let's face it, he is a pre-teen boy. I only expect so much!), and is still finding his own in the sports arena. For the last three months it has been basketball. I have discovered that it is not only football where I am "that Mom". Yes, I am "that Mom" for basketball too. I went on YouTube and taught myself how to set a pick, box out and what the positions on the court are supposed to be doing. So I could coach more effectively from the stands. Yes, it went over as well as you would expect. He completely ignores me. Oh well, I am having a blast watching him play.

Somehow a thirteen year old girl is living in my three year old daughter's body. She never sits, never quits talking, has hormone swings every twenty minutes and I devastate her whole world if I won't let her wear a dress to play around the house or wear her fancy Sunday dress that Grandma made her to bed. She will cook in her kitchen, craft at the table for hours and bounce like a bouncy ball during her weekly tumbling class. She asks to go to church every day, loves her best friend and basically thinks she rules the world. The best part, though, is when she cuddles up with me on the couch with stack of books and we just read until we both are not able to keep our eyes open any longer.

Bob and I went to a marriage conference that was generously provided by our church family. I highly recommend " A Weekend To Remember" for anyone who is married. Happily, desperately, hopelessly. It doesn't matter. You will walk out with a fresh, inspired perspective on yourself, your spouse, your marriage and as a parent. Anyway, neither Bob nor I like to talk about the important stuff with each other. We are now like that awkward couple you see in the comedies that have gone to marriage counselling and now use the "communication tools".

"It sounds like you are saying _____________. Is that what you intended to say or am I misinterpreting your meaning."

"It really hurts my feelings when you _________________. I know you don't intend to hurt my feelings and I will make an effort to understand you did not mean it the way I took it."

Awkward.

But it works.

I have been traveling through this most amazing journey that started with Lysa TerKeurst's Made to Crave. I have found a certain level of confidence in who I am in God. I truly do trust that I am beautiful. Now, not to say that if I look I wouldn't find some things that I would like to change about my appearance, but the key is, I no longer go looking for them. I can look in the mirror and love my spunky haircut, my eyes, and my smile. I look past the parts that aren't as thin as I would like to the fact that God has provided me with clothing that compliment me and are comfortable. I feel good in what I wear. I feel comfortable in the skin God put me in. I see the woman that loves Jesus desperately, that is serving in her strengths and at the end of the day, feels like she accomplished something, even if it was small in the grand scheme of things.

Do I still struggle with things? YES! Just tonight in our ladies Bible study God showed me two areas of my life that are spiritual deserts. I had never noticed my lack of faith over these two things because my faith in God is so strong in others. I always wondered how I could believe for the good that God wants for my life, and even that He is willing to work these changes in me, but for some reason I just couldn't get out of God's way. Now I know. I don't see this being an easy time ahead. It never is when God is demanding control and I am unwilling to give it up, even though I know it is what is best for me.

I am unsure what my future looks like. Abby will be entering Pre-K next fall, Kevin will be in junior high, and I will be entering a new season of motherhood. What does that mean? I don't have a clue.

I will begin teaching in our children's ministry next month. I am very excited. And scared. I might be all they see of Jesus in a week. I need to make sure it is the right reflection. Jesus. Not me.

God is showing me new ways to serve and lead in our women's ministry and worship arts. Things that I have never considered before. Artistic ways. Very personal ways. It might seem like all forms of worship are easy for me, as much as I love to praise God, but I am just like everyone else. It is hard to stand before others and be raw and honest in my worship; shutting out the world and worshipping God alone, while still trying to lead others to that place of raw honesty as well. What uncomfortable place will God call me to next? I don't know. I just know I hope I will, with shaky voice and twisted stomach, say "yes" to whatever He asks of me.

I am by no means where God is taking me, but I am on a journey that is an exciting ride. I miss my bloggy world. I wish I had time (and energy) to visit every day. I miss putting into written word the things God shows me when I take the time to look and listen to His voice. I hope to once again post with regularity, but this season of my life is busy. I can't guarantee anything, but I can tell you that when I do have time to post, it will be about what God is doing in my life. The pretty and the painful.

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