"Blessed is she, who has believed, that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished." Luke 1:45

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I just don't have it in me today

This is the attitude that I have been struggling with all week. I just want to curl up and not have to DO anything or take care of anyone or think about anything. I know I am supposed to blog but I am not sure for what because everything I try to write about comes off as whiny and "poor me". Ugh.

I kinda feel like this is the crash after my week at camp with the teens. I know I felt emotionally exhausted about Tuesday nite and I just tried to pray my way through the rest of the week. Nothing monumental happened, but I just felt like I needed to be "on" the whole time. Of course, I also felt like if I placed even the tinest bit of my toe off the line than we would be judged. Plus the fact that we knew there were some kids that signed up just to spend time with Keith and then he didn't get to go so I felt like we let them down without even doing anything. Then there are the ones that it is as if God is speaking directly to them and they purposefully just turn their head and ignore the message and don't let it change them. That is so frustrating.

So, what am I supposed to say here? I know I need to get into some scripture but I just don't know what I want to ask God for.

I think Lysa's blog has a big impact on how I am feeling. Not that I read it and now am down, just that I feel like that a lot and it just takes so much out of you to constantly be wanting others to like you and accept you. I KNOW in my heart that it isn't right to think like that, but I sure do continue to judge myself and come up short every time.

I have a lot to work on. I just don't have it in me today.

1 comment:

gallerhea said...

I hear you there, sister. Over the last 2 years, my biggest struggles with depression have been either
1. After I have just had a wonderful Spiritual Victory, or
2. When I am just plain EXHAUSTED!
--It is at those times I just feel like I can't go on anymore!!!! (And I beat myself up for feeling that way).
--However, I was recently reminded of a story in the Old Testament. It is when Elijah challenged the Prophets of Baal. He had the Prophets of Baal put their sacrifice on an alter, then told them to call out to their god, and pray for fire to fall on their sacrifice. When nothing happened, Elijah mocked the prophets, with sneers like, "Maybe your god is sleeping, etc."
--Then, when all their attempts proved futile, Elijah built his altar to the true God. But he didn't just lay the animal on the altar; he had people douse the sacrifice, the altar, the wood, etc. with water, THEN Elijah called down fire from Heaven. God sent his fire, and consumed the WHOLE THING!

--You would think that Elijah would forever be on top of the world after that, to know that he served such a powerful God!

--But No! The Bible tells of him shortly after that time. He heard that Jezebel and her posse were out to kill him, and he cried out to God to just let him die, because he was all alone, the only righteous man left on earth!!!

--If you ever feel like you are whiny, or feeling sorry for yourself, know that you are not alone. Even the most mighty Spiritual leaders on this earth have times of self-doubt, times of struggle, and it appears by Elijah's story, times when they feel "like they just can't go on any longer."

I love the poem "Footprints!" It tells that there are times with 2 sets of footprints in the sand, when Jesus is walking side by side with us. Then there are the times when there is only 1 set of footprints in the sand. This is not because we are alone--Alas! At these times, it is when Jesus is CARRYING US!

God bless you, and THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH for your HONESTY!!!!!!!

Rhea Chladek
gallerhea@yahoo.com