Long and Rambly Self-Reflection

Be warned: This a long and rambly post where I am working some stuff out. sometimes it's easier for me to see the way to fix a problem if I ramble it down on paper (or a screen) until it's clear and makes sense. Since I have committed to being honest and transparent on this blog, I feel I should post this. It may help someone else, or someone else may help me. (God works like that, ya know!)

I have never weighed this much unless I was pregnant, and in 10 more pounds I will pass even that.

I am absolutely miserable. I'm uncomfortable physically and it reflects in the way I see myself and how I think the world sees me. By that I mean, I project the way I see myself so that I think everyone sees me the same way. It's a vicious emotional weapon that I turn on myself constantly.

I hate being overweight. I had planned to lose at least 15 lbs by the end of the summer and so far I have gained 10. This is really hard for me to accept because I have been working on eating right and increasing my activity. I changed my diet and dropped 200 points off my LDL. If I can change my diet enough to do that in three months you would think I would have lost some weight but no. It didn't happen.

So, I have been in what I guess you would call a self destructive phase the last month. I have been eating what I want and as much of it as I want, to the point of feeling really uncomfortable. I guess my thinking has been "what's the point. If I couldn't lose it with everything I did there's no point in trying. I give up. "

I know that is bad thinking and not trusting in God and so on. I am just being honest as to where I have been. I'm not some super christian that quietly goes along obeying God and living a blessed life. I constantly screw up and try to fix things myself and make a bigger mess of it. I also don't trust God like I should and hardly ever think to go to Him first with my problems. It's usually when I feel like I don't have anywhere else to go that I think I might give it over to Him. Like I said, It's not good or right, I am just being honest as to who and where I am.

So, I have been on this, I guess you would call it a downward spiral, about my weight. I have gotten into a horrible thought cycle that I need to break out of. I have all these scriptures that I need to be focusing on, such as knowing that God provides for every NEED. Nowhere in the bible does it say that God will provide for every WANT. He doesn't have to. We, as humans, tend to take care of that pretty well all by our lonelys. I know I do. That's what the over-eating is all about. Sure, I could stop with what God has provided, but I haven't been. Does this sound familiar to you, because I say it all the time...

"Man, THAT is a portion size? Not even worth it!"

So then I eat probably triple the portion size. The portion size is what God has provided...the triple portion is what I feel I deserve. Hummmm.... wonder why I am the way I am and look the way I look?

So, by taking what I want instead of accepting what God has provided, I am harming myself. What a concept! God knows better than I what is healthy for me? HUH! I guess that whole thing about God knowing my innermost parts is true. Sure, it's my body, but I didn't create it, and I sure don't know how it works, not like God does.

I want to say that I am committed to changing. I really do. But even now I hear those little voices in my head saying that I haven't committed to any of the previous decisions to change my eating habits, so what makes me think this time will be any different? They say that Bob won't want to change his habits and that will make it too hard for me to keep it up for myself. They say that eating healthy isn't nearly as convienent and will cost a lot more than how I have been eating. They say that I am too lazy to keep a commitment to start walking like I mean to lose weight.

Back to Philippians 4:8-9 I go! (for more on my trust in this scripture check out my Words of Light post.)

I think I could even apply this scripture to the ACTIONS in my life.

Are my actions true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy—DO such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

As you can tell, I took out all the whatevers and changed "think about" to "do". Yep. That sure does fit with what God desires for me. Also interesting to note...it's an action God is calling me to. He says to "put it into practice." Not think it into practice. Not Consider it into practice. PUT IT into practice.

Philippians 4:6 seems to be the way to start.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

I think in my case "anxious" means disbelieving. I don't believe that I can do this (and by the way, I would be right in that assessment).

So, what is the first step? Prayer! What a concept. Me, actually TELLING God about my fears and doubts. Lay it all out there. Be vulnerable and transparent with God since he knows it all anyway. And then, (and this is the really hard part for me) wait to hear what God has to say on the subject. Listen to hear His guidance and encouragement and love. And then be GRATEFUL for what He is going to do!

This is not fun. I am getting my booty kicked today. I HATE when that happens.

UGH! Why is it that everything God asks me to do are the things that are really hard for me? He has given me so many things that are EASY for me to do. Why can't He ever ask me to do those things.

Ok. So, I have rambled my way to a decision and a starting point. If you made it all the way to the end of this, Wow! Thanks for hanging in there with me.