"Blessed is she, who has believed, that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished." Luke 1:45

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

He loves me, he loves me...why?

How is it that I am so flighty that I can write a post like this one and then completely forget it to the point that I did this weekend?

What started out as a serious but somewhat amusing conversation with our friends ended up completely destroying our weekend, and we are still in our respective corners.

I struggle with money and finances. I am horrible at them and I admit that I am irresponsible and not a little insensitive about it. I know that money is the number one thing that my husband worries about.He will lose sleep over it, work it around in his head endlessly and get somewhat depressed about our financial situation. I also know that he does his best to be understanding about my struggles with it and that he doesn't want to have to be the "bad guy" or the money police. Unfortuately, we didn't try very hard to be understanding this weekend.

We started off on money and let that just flow over into everything going on in our lives. At least I did. I let it get to the point where every suggestion and comment was a direct attack against me. One built on the other until I was convinced that he felt there was nothing good in me to be found. We haven't really gotten back to the honest communication yet, so I am not sure where he took it. There is still way to much pride and not nearly enough God in the middle for us to talk it out yet.

Now, add to that the fact that I sit here with the full knowledge that neither of us, even for a minute, considered sitting down to pray or ask God to help us and then there is just shame. What a disappointment to Him and ourselves that He was the last thing we thought of to help us strengthen the marriage that he is creating. He could communicate the truth we both see in a loving way. He could keep tempers under control. He could help us come to common ground.

I admit that I have a sensitive nature and take things way too personally. Nothing he said was a personal attack. He just sees what he feels is the best way and wants to help me out. Add to that my temper and very independent nature and well, can you see where it went so wrong so fast? I should have. I should have turned to God at the very get-go but my very stubborn self always thinks I can do it alone.

Sometimes I have to ask myself: "He loves me why?" If you are asking yourself, "Does she mean Bob or God?" the answer is both.

How wonderful that He is such a mercy-filled God. We sure don't deserve it. If only we could let go of our pride and remember that no matter what this world has for us, we have God and each other. Everything else is meaningless and could easily be gone in a second. By "we" I mostly mean "me". No, I don't think Bob was guiltless in this, but I, as usual, pushed it way over the limit.

If you think to pray for us over the next few days as we work through this, that would be a blessing.

1 comment:

April said...

I love your honesty. I don't know if you know how much that helps others? As christians we are not perfect nore do we think we are. I love you!